Why Do You Always End Up In Situationships? (And How To Stop)

It’s frustrating to always end up in situationships even though you’re trying your best to find a committed partner.

I have been there. And I empathize with how you’re feeling – sad, disappointed, and questioning your self-worth.

If you want a happy, committed, and emotionally fulfilling relationship, then you must walk away from situationships.

Breaking the situationship cycle is simple, but it will require you to make some major changes in how you approach relationships and dating.

Why do I always end up in situationships?

If you’re a woman who wants a committed relationship but keeps ending up in situationships, here’s why this keeps happening.

You have low standards

I’m not going to sugarcoat this one. You keep ending up in situationships because you have low dating standards.

You have no expectations of the men you’re dating. So it’s easy for them to suck you into another situationship where they get all the benefits without any of the commitment.

Instead of setting a standard that you won’t date anyone who isn’t ready for a relationship, you continue to entertain people who repeatedly indicate their heart is elsewhere.

You hope that by not having any expectations, this person will finally see your worth. And he’ll finally decide to turn your situationship into a relationship.

But let’s get real. If it’s been months of dating, and he still doesn’t know if he wants to be with you, then you should take it as a sign to move on.

You deserve someone who can’t wait to make it official, not a person who needs a free trial to see if he wants to commit.

You are afraid of setting boundaries

If you’re a people-pleaser, you struggle with setting boundaries. And this gets 10x harder when you’re dealing with someone you’re dating.

Because you like him (and want him to like you), you will bend over backward to make him happy. Even if it means hurting yourself in the process.

For example, if he tells you he isn’t looking for a relationship, you won’t break it off. And you won’t tell him that you’re not compatible.

What you will do is:

Ignore the burning sting of disappointment
Lie and tell him “That’s cool” because you are a Cool Girl
Proceed to catch feelings for him and waste months hoping he will change his mind
Get heartbroken when he meets someone else and ghosts you

As a recovering people-pleaser, I know it’s tough to be assertive. You’re afraid of conflict. But it’s better to speak your mind than waste your time.

You are emotionally unavailable

When you’re emotionally unavailable, it means you hide your feelings from others. (And probably yourself too.)

You’re afraid of being vulnerable.

This behavior makes you attractive to other people who are also emotionally unavailable.

They recognize that you shy away from uncomfortable conversations about your feelings. And they know you’re ideal for a situationship.

Healing your emotional unavailability means accepting your vulnerability. It means being brave enough to have tough conversations – even if there’s a risk they won’t go as you hope they will.

You are afraid of being alone

Fear of loneliness will keep you stuck in situationships because you think being in a crappy relationship is better than being single.

When you heal your fear of loneliness, you will value your time much more.

You will realize that wasting your time in a bad relationship is only hurting you. It’s taking valuable time away that you could be investing in your career or emotional well-being.

Most importantly, when you’re no longer stuck in situationships, you’ll have time to find a person who will want to commit to you.

You are desperate for love and affection

When you struggle with a lack of self-love, you look for it in other people.

And when your situationship isn’t giving you the love you want, you take it as a challenge: “I’m going to prove that I’m worthy of love!”

But no one should prove they are loveable to another person. No one should settle for breadcrumbs of affection.

The right person will willingly give you the love and affection you deserve. But you should also work on your relationship with yourself so you’re not dependent on being loved by someone else.

How to stop ending up in situationships

If situationships are all you’ve ever known, it might seem impossible to break the cycle. You meet someone new, you like each other, you sleep together, and suddenly you find yourself in another situationship.

Thankfully, ending the situationship cycle is simple. And it starts with raising your standards.

Become allergic to inconsistent behavior

Situationships are characterized by hot and cold behavior.

For example, the guy you’re seeing could take days to reply to your text. But when you finally see each other, he seems very happy to be spending time with you. Inconsistency is constantly present in your relationship.

To stop situationships, you will need to become allergic to inconsistent behavior.

The next time you start dating someone, I’m going to need you to walk away the second they take longer than 24 hours to respond to your text.

No one is that busy. You only want to date people who are excited about getting to know you. And someone who is excited about you is not going to leave you hanging.

The same goes for other manifestations of inconsistent behavior, such as canceling dates at the last minute or forgetting they’re supposed to call you.

This doesn’t make you “high maintenance”. (Although I have nothing against women who are.) Expecting consistency in dating is the bare minimum.

Don’t be afraid to bring up commitment

Situationships thrive in scenarios where one party is terrified of initiating The Talk.

If you’ve been dating for long enough, and you feel it’s time to talk commitment, then talk about it.

Go past the discomfort – you’ll thank yourself later.

More importantly, if the person you’re dating says they’re not ready for a relationship, then walk away.

Remember that when someone says “I’m not ready for a relationship”, the “with you” is silent. They’re just being polite and want to let you down easy.

Explore your attachment style

Your attachment style is worthy of exploring regardless of your relationship status.

If you’re in a relationship and you have disorganized attachment, for example, it could lead to constant fights about your trust issues.

And if you’re single, disorganized attachment could make it very difficult for you to let people in.

Understanding how you relate to others will help you figure out why you’re so drawn to situationships. And when you discover the root cause, it will be easier to break the cycle.

If you have an insecure attachment style, you might even want to start therapy to heal it. I’ve found therapy immensely helpful when working through my own attachment issues.

Need more dating tips?

Check out the blog posts below to help you date better:

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