There’s nothing like the heavy, crushing feeling in the pit of your stomach when you’re in love with someone you can’t have.
Whether this is a friend or a coworker who’s off-limits, it’s an emotional state that makes you feel like you’re split in two.
On the one hand, you know that you cannot have this person.
On the other hand, every fiber of your being wants to be with them. You spend hours imagining your relationship, listening to songs that remind you of them, and wishing you could exist in a reality where the two of you are together.
So what do you do in this situation? There isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer, but I’ll do my best to help.
Disclaimer: This blog post was written by a real human being (me!), not AI.
1. Be Honest About How Much of Your Feelings Are Fueled By Fantasy
If you fell for a stranger or someone you know on a surface level, most of your feelings are based on a fantasy of your relationship.
You find them attractive, so your mind immediately spins up romantic scenarios for you to enjoy. But none of them are real. You actually don’t know them or whether you’d get along.
If you actually do know each other, then the solution is to accept why the relationship can’t work — distance, unreciprocated feelings, they’re with someone else — and stop thinking about ways you could overcome these obstacles.
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Join the club2. Stop Feeding Your Imagination
Our minds are very predictable. The more you think about someone, the more your brain will spontaneously bring them up, even if you’re doing your best not to.
Once these romantic fantasies become a habit, they’re hard to kick.
You need to actively resist them and shift your attention to another subject. And avoid partaking in activities that you know will make you think about them, like listening to a specific genre of music.
3. Learn About Limerence
If your emotions are intense and all-consuming, even if you barely know each other, you could be experiencing limerence and not love.
Limerence is characterized by a hyperfixation on a specific person, intense emotional highs and lows, and idealization. You’re overly preoccupied with whether they like you, and you don’t pay attention to how they act or make you feel.
When they give you attention, you’re euphoric. But when they ignore you, it ruins your entire day.
In this case, you need to talk to a therapist who understands limerent behavior so you can detach from the person you’re fixated on.
Women who struggle with limerence can spend years fixated on a person they might have only spent a couple of hours with. They might also keep going back to a toxic relationship — almost like they have no control over their actions because their emotions are so strong.
One Quora comment describes a limerent dynamic very well.
I have been in love with a man since 2020. One of our latest reconnects was over this summer 2024. It didn’t last longer than 59 days. My relationship with him never lasts longer than 59 days or less before he disappears for much longer than 59 days or more.
It will be almost 5 years on February 2025. These experiences with the man I love over the course of 5 years were overall: Miserable, lonely, painful, abusive, and traumatizing. I could count on my fingers how many times he and I went out together. I can remember the majority of our interactions and encounters because they were few in comparison to the 5 years.
One year he ignored me from August 2022 to August 2023 after he left me with a 12 month lease and kicked my car causing over $1,500+ worth of damages. He claimed he ignored me because he didn’t want to be with me. I believe he ignored me to avoid accountability. He didn’t want to face the consequences of his actions.
It took me a long time to admit that the relationship was never going to go anywhere other than where it was now, and where it was now was abusive with no benefits for me.
Unfortunately, the commenter is still unaware of the limerent dynamic. For example, she believes he ghosted her because he didn’t want to face accountability — even though he told her, point-blank, that he ignored her because he didn’t want to be in a relationship with her.
She also uses the present tense when she talks about her emotions, so it’s clear that she is still in love with him even though every single one of his actions screams that he doesn’t care about her.
Limerent people are very good at coming up with excuses for their toxic dynamics. Letting go of your hyperfixation is too painful, so you’ll keep inventing reasons to go back. That’s why you need to work with a professional. The Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube also has a lot of great resources on limerence.
4. Bring Excitement To Your Life
It’s a lot easier to forget about someone when you have things to look forward to. Boredom, on the other hand, creates space in your mind to fill with romantic fantasies.
Changing your routine, starting a new hobby, and reconnecting with old friends can all make your life feel exciting and new. It changes your perspective and helps you realize there’s more to life than your unfulfilled relationship.
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Follow @glassboxofemotion on Instagram →5. Reduce Contact
Do you stalk this person on Instagram? Or keep spending time with them even though it pains you to be in their presence and not be able to be with them romantically?
You need to keep interactions to a minimum or stop interacting with them altogether.
Even though it’s hard, the best thing to do is remove them from your life. If you’re close, you can explain why you need to do it. Most people will understand, and let you go to deal with your emotions in peace.
In fact, I was once on the receiving end of this conversation when someone told me they were in love with me but knew the feelings weren’t mutual. I didn’t have any hard feelings and would have done the same thing in their shoes.
6. Stop Dwelling On the Situation
Romantic unfulfillment often comes with ruminating. You might keep thinking about any of the following:
- Things you could’ve done differently
- Reasons you’re in love with this person
- Why you’re in this situation and can’t find a happy relationship
Although it can be helpful to understand your romantic patterns, there comes a point where it’s no longer beneficial. The constant analysis keeps you focused on the person you’re in love with, so you stay stuck.
Besides, any insights you might have right now aren’t going to be very helpful.
From my own experience, I know that when you’re in the thick of a difficult situation, it’s hard to see the forest for the trees. It takes time and emotional distance to perceive it more reasonably.
Have Faith This Is For the Best
Whenever life doesn’t go my way, I take comfort in the fact that my past shows me this is always for the best. Every situationship that went nowhere, job that didn’t work out, or friendship lost was for the best even if I didn’t think so at the time.
So I’d like to ask you to have faith this is also happening for you. I’ve come to believe there is a strong element of fate to relationships, so loving someone you can’t have is just proof that it’s not meant to be.
Come get the whole story
Learn from my actual dating experiences and get my unfiltered reactions to whatever dating trend is going around this week. All of it lives on my Patreon.
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