The Secret Reason You Still Struggle With Dating

You’ve “done the work.” You read all the self-help books, followed dating advice from TikTok, and spent hours journaling over your dating history to uncover patterns that led you to heartbreak.

But still, you feel stuck in dating – either struggling to meet anyone who will meet your standards, or you keep “attracting” the same type of person that you know isn’t good for you.

So what gives? The answer lies in your identity.

Why Your Identity is Key to Your Dating Life

Your identity is the story you tell yourself about who you are and what you believe you deserve. The reason your identity is key to dating is because it directly influences your behavior, whether it is conscious or subconscious.

Let’s break it down using a hypothetical example.

Abby is 26 years old. She is intelligent, successful in her job, and has a close group of friends.

But she struggles with insecurity. From a young age, she felt like something was wrong with her. Growing up, she didn’t feel comfortable in her skin, and sporadic episodes of bullying only exacerbated that discomfort. Although the bullying wasn’t severe, it left a real mark on her and shaped her self-esteem.

Abby’s relationships so far are marked by a clear pattern. She gravitates towards men who are inconsistent, lead chaotic lives, and are emotionally unavailable.

While she dreams of being in a relationship with a man who makes her feel valued and special, the men she keeps meeting are unable to offer her that. There might be some intimacy in those relationships, but they never make her feel special.

And their hot and cold behavior constantly has her questioning their intentions.

What do you think Abby’s core problem is? Why is she unable to find a person who is loving and consistent?

It’s not because she has anxious or disorganized attachment and is attracted to avoidants. And it’s not because there’s no one better in the dating pool.

Abby struggles with dating because her identity is grounded in a deep sense of low self-worth that has followed her since childhood. She feels a quiet, persistent fear that if someone truly saw her, they’d decide she’s not enough.

At her core, Abby doesn’t believe she deserves better. She doesn’t think she is worthy of her “dream person”. She doesn’t think she gets to feel special, to be loved by a partner who is excited to spend time with her, showers her with attention and thoughtfulness, and makes space for her in their life.

The trick is that Abby isn’t aware of this. This part of her identity is so deep, it’s influencing her dating behavior at every step, but she is oblivious to it.

While she has a laundry list of dating requirements, none of those requirements have driven her to meet this person. Because she doesn’t believe she deserves this type of person.

So she’ll keep repeating the same patterns, staying involved with people who clearly aren’t looking for a real relationship.

How to Change Your Identity to Improve Your Dating Life

Changing your identity is difficult, because it’s tied to your entire life.

If you were to start changing it today, that could mean letting go of friendships, giving up coping mechanisms, or forcing yourself to consider the role you’ve played in your relationships so far. And this also includes acknowledging the role you play in your own suffering.

The first step in changing your identity is identifying the core beliefs that have shaped it.

I was able to do this with the help of a therapist because typical self-help practices like journaling didn’t help. (My identity issues were too deeply ingrained for me to identify them.)

It’s best to work with a perceptive professional who can call you out on contradictions in your behavior and guide you to answers.

Still, considering asking yourself:

• What do I believe I deserve in relationships?
• What do I assume people think of me?
• What emotional patterns have followed me from childhood?

Once you identify your core beliefs, you can work to change them. Sometimes the very fact that you’ve uncovered them can get you 80% of the way there, the rest is up to you to modify your behavior.

After you uncover your core wound (e.g., “I’m unworthy,” “I’m forgettable,” “People eventually leave”), the next step is to replace it with a new belief system that actually supports the future you want.

If you struggle with low self-worth like Abby, your new identity might sound like:

• I am worthy of a loving and committed partner.
• My needs are legitimate.
• Someone stable, kind, and consistent would be lucky to have me.

It’s important to write down and visualize how this person treats you and their behavior in the relationship.

Be specific, but not superficial. Don’t list height/eye color/job; instead, write down:

• How they treat you
• How they make you feel
• How conflict looks
• The energy you bring out in each other

When you start dating, don’t repeat the same mistakes. For example, if you used to get stuck in situationships in the past, your new behavior is to leave as soon as someone shows they are uninterested.

Let people prove themselves to you – don’t be too eager to please. Women who are confident and have a strong sense of self worth know that they have a lot to offer and that this is obvious, so they expect to be treated a certain type of way.

That means no quick coffee dates or cooking him dinner at your place until you’ve known each other for at least a month or two.

If they start being inconsistent, take it as your cue to leave, not to try harder. If they come back around, move on instead of jumping back eagerly into the relationship.

Your dream partner would never treat you like an option, so don’t tolerate this type of behavior.

I can go into more detail, but this gives you a good idea of how your identity needs to shift in order for you to behave differently when dating. Once your behavior shifts, so will your relationships.

Finally, try to find at least one example of the kind of relationship you want among your friends or family. Having this example will help you believe that it’s possible.

If you can’t find an example in your surroundings, a fictional couple can also work as long as their relationship is grounded in the same principles you value.

What if You Shift Your Identity and Nothing Happens?

It’s frustrating to go through a truly transformative experience and still be single. It’s important to accept that timing is a part of life, and meeting the right person is out of our control.

If you’ve worked on your deeply ingrained beliefs and believe that you have changed (and this reflects in your behavior), then there’s nothing else for you to do but wait.

In the meantime, you can work on enjoying other aspects of your life and try to be more outgoing and open to new adventures, so there’s a higher chance you’ll meet someone special.

But if I’ve learned anything from life so far, it’s that there are things you simply cannot predict or force to happen on a schedule. Perhaps your person is already close, you just haven’t crossed paths yet because it’s not the right time.

It’s okay to want a relationship, but don’t let being single distract you from everything in your life that’s already good and everything you still have the power to build. And your identity is the first and biggest step.