Why We Must Stop Telling Women They Need A Hoe Phase

In the movie Bridesmaids, there’s a conversation between two female characters where one admits to the other that she’s unhappy with her sex life.

Her portrayal is one of a sheltered, sexually inexperienced woman, so the advice she gets is: “That’s why every girl needs those slutty college years. To experiment, get it out of your system, find out what you like.”

A few years ago, I would’ve wholeheartedly agreed.

As a young woman in her early 20s, I wanted to align myself with the messaging in pop culture and social media that promoted casual relationships as an important part of being an empowered woman.

Now, I understand there is a lot more nuance to the conversation surrounding women’s sexual experiences.

No woman needs to have “slutty college years” or a “hoe phase” to be sexually fulfilled at any point in her life. And there’s zero empowerment in participating in hookup culture just because you think that’s what you’re supposed to be doing.

1. Calling normal behavior a “hoe phase” is misogynistic

You know we live in a profoundly unequal society when behavior that’s considered normal for men is described as a “hoe phase” for women.

The implication is clear – sexual promiscuity is intolerable in women. But if it has to exist, we will say it’s a phase and use a derogatory term to ensure women know this behavior isn’t respectable.

You might argue that it’s just a joke. “It’s not that deep.” But I beg to differ. Derogatory language still enforces misogyny, regardless of how you try to spin it.

2. Violence against women still exists

Violence against women is still alive and well. Ignoring this reality while promoting casual sex to women only puts us in danger.

Yes, women can be victims of violence even outside romantic or sexual relationships. Yes, women can be victims of violence even in a committed relationship.

But this doesn’t change the fact that frequently engaging in hookups with strangers increases this risk.

Young women are often told how casual sex is “empowering” and a way to “reclaim” their sexuality, without being warned of the potential danger they’re putting themselves in or given dating safety rules that could save their life.

3. No one needs a hoe phase

As someone who grew up in a more socially conservative part of Europe, I quickly noticed how western culture often treats the hookup phase as a necessary rite of passage.

If you don’t participate in hookup culture, the implication is that you’re missing out. The message is: This is what you should be doing if you want to learn more about yourself both sexually and romantically.

While hookups can help you learn more about yourself, for better or for worse, the belief that everyone should have a casual sex phase is nonsensical. You should do what feels right for you, not what you’re peer pressured into.

Beware of empty expressions about female empowerment and do you

My biggest beef with modern-day feminism is that it’s become commodified to the point that empty expressions about women’s empowerment and casual sex are being treated like gospel.

Why do we believe casual relationships are so crucial to “reclaiming” your sexuality?

And why do we dismiss anyone who dares to question hookup culture as “enforcing” purity culture? (Yes – people make this argument because nuance apparently no longer exists.)

This issue is much larger than this article, but we must begin to address it if we want to help young women make choices that benefit them while acknowledging that we still live in a patriarchal society.

In this society, women still fear for their safety, they are judged based on their sexual history, and they are constantly told what they should be doing to appeal to men.

The bottom line is this – be aware of peer pressure when you make decisions about who you sleep with.

Don’t pretend you enjoy hookups if you actually want a committed relationship. Raise your standards so that the people you date treat you with kindness and respect.

If you struggle with low self-worth, be careful not to use sex to temporarily feel good about yourself.

Finally, learn how to listen to your intuition, and don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re missing out on some grand rite of passage by not engaging in hookups.