We all know the obvious red flags in relationships, such as controlling behavior, jealousy, and verbal or even physical abuse. But what about the silent red flags in a relationship?
Although covert or silent red flags are less obvious than outright abuse, this doesn’t make them any less toxic.
In fact, many people stay in relationships with partners who display concerning red flags simply because they aren’t “bad enough” or their partner balances their poor behavior with just enough love and affection to make them stay.
Regardless of how easy it is to brush off these silent red flags, make no mistake – they are still a sign of deeper incompatibilities that lead to disappointment and hurt.
Keep reading to find out what signs you should take note of and why (against our better judgment) we stay in relationships with people who display them.
8 silent red flags in a relationship
Here are 8 specific examples of silent red flags to watch out for when you start dating someone.
1. Your partner jokes about being bad at relationships
If you ever start dating someone who jokes about being a “terrible partner”, “bad relationship material”, or in any way hints at how they’re going to disappoint you in the future, know that it’s NOT a joke.
This is a warning, packed into humor, that should still be taken seriously. Especially in the early days of the relationship when most people try to put their best foot forward.
They know that at some point they’re going to do something that’ll disappoint you (likely because this is a repeating pattern) and they can use the warning as an excuse: “Well, it’s not like I didn’t tell you what I was like!”
2. Negging
Negging is a manipulative dating strategy that uses backhanded compliments to undermine your self-esteem and make you feel like you need to gain the manipulator’s approval.
Here are a few examples:
- “Wow, you’re really smart, I didn’t expect that.”
- “You look great but your makeup isn’t doing you any favors.”
- “I never would’ve guessed you had such a high-paying job.”
Some people might find it hard to recognize negging as manipulation, especially if they have self-abandonment issues and low self-worth.
If someone gives you a compliment or offers “constructive criticism” that makes you feel uncomfortable, don’t just brush it off but listen to how you feel.
And remember – the best way to respond to negging is to stop engaging with this person. They don’t respect you and continuing to talk to them would be a waste of time.
SEE ALSO: 8 Telltale Signs You’re Dating A Manipulator
3. They’re always late
Being consistently late is a choice and an important first-date red flag to watch out for.
It screams disrespect and a lack of interest, so if you’ve started dating someone who is somehow always late and has a nonchalant attitude to any plans you make, it’s time to run for the hills.
They literally don’t care enough about you to put in the minimum amount of effort needed to show up on time or honor plans – what makes you think they’ll put in effort into anything else regarding your relationship?
4. You feel confused about your relationship
Whether it’s caused by breadcrumbing, emotional unavailability, future-faking, or something else entirely, confusion is one of the biggest silent red flags in a relationship to watch out for.
A lot of people fail to see mixed signals and confusion for what they are – a clear sign of disinterest – and stick around for far too long only to be disappointed in the end.
5. Angry outbursts
A person who is prone to angry outbursts is unable to regulate their emotions. Their emotional instability can be an important silent red flag in your relationship, especially if it manifests as verbal abuse directed at you.
At first, you might notice that their anger shows up as road rage, or that they get excessively frustrated with even the smallest inconveniences, which gets more severe as time goes on.
6. Too much, too soon
Whirlwind romances work great in movies. And while I won’t deny that they can occasionally happen in real life and have a positive outcome, relationships that move too fast usually tend to fizzle out.
When you’re riding high on the thrill of new love, it’s easy to imagine your relationship will always be the same.
It’s also easy to ignore the fact that you’re going too fast with a person you barely know, especially if they’re all too eager to rush things along.
In an age when everyone is talking about commitment issues and situationships, meeting someone who seems in a hurry to meet your family, move in with you, etc., can make you feel like all your dreams are coming true.
While I don’t want you to become too cynical, you shouldn’t throw common sense out of the window either.
If the relationship is meant to be, slowing down and taking time to get to know one another will only strengthen it in the long term.
7. Constantly talking about their ex
Another important silent red flag in a relationship is when the person you’re dating keeps bringing up their ex.
It’s one of the biggest signs of emotional unavailability, even if they claim they’ve fully moved on from their past.
Be careful not to fall into the trap of acting as their therapist, believing that you’ll be the one to finally “heal” them, and feeling honored that they’re confiding in you about such intimate things.
The truth is that you can’t give them the closure they need – it comes from within.
You should be particularly wary if these conversations happen early on in the relationship.
There’s a time and a place for discussing your past, but it’s certainly not when you’re still in the getting-to-know-you phase.
8. Creating an “Us vs Them” mentality
Isolation is a powerful tool in the hands of a manipulative partner.
We’ve all heard stories of people who stopped communicating with friends and family members because of their partner.
But if a person wants to isolate you from others, they might go about this in a less obvious way by nurturing an “us vs them” mentality.
For example, they might constantly talk about how the two of you are so different and better than everyone else.
Whether it’s your education, taste in music, or career, your partner highlights that as incredibly important. And they also talk badly about others, so that you feel special.
When you are insecure and desperate for approval, this strategy is incredibly effective.
You are so happy that someone thinks you’re special, and fail to see what they are really doing: creating a false sense of intimacy so that you’ll drop your guard.
Red Flags, Dating, and The Scarcity Mindset
When I look back on my past, I can see that I often approached life with a scarcity mindset.
The scarcity mindset is a belief that there are not enough good things in the world for everyone.
So, you should settle for crumbs because it’s better to have something (even if you’re unhappy) than nothing.
Having a scarcity mindset permeates every area of your life, not just your personal relationships.
But since I’m talking about dating, it’s important to get specific about how having a lack mentality is manifested in relationships.
When you believe that there’s a finite amount of good people in the world who can make you happy, you’re more likely to settle for those who display concerning red flags.
Even if you feel deep down that this is not your ideal partner, you stay because “other people have it way worse” and “no relationship is perfect”.
Talking about the scarcity mindset, I always remember this hilarious quote from Mean Girls: “She knew it was better to be in The Plastics, hating life, than to not be in at all.”
But is it truly worth it to sacrifice your emotional wellbeing just to avoid singlehood?
Having experienced all sorts of relationships since my teenage years and an extended period of being single, I’ll take singlehood any day over staying in dysfunctional relationships that only drain my energy and waste my time.
And while no relationship is perfect, this should not be used as an excuse to not have any standards when it comes to dating.
Closing Thoughts
While this list of silent red flags in a relationship is not exhaustive, it’s a great starting point if you’re trying to gauge whether the person you’ve been seeing is a good match for you.
Keep in mind that things that bother you at the beginning of a relationship are usually the reason you break up later, so don’t be quick to dismiss your concerns as overthinking or nitpicking.
After all, you deserve someone whose presence will make your life happier – not miserable.
Silent Red Flags in a Relationship FAQs
What are minor red flags in a relationship?
Minor red flags in a relationship include poor communication, such as avoiding tough conversations or ignoring you when you express your feelings. Additionally, they include frequent criticism of your appearance, interests, or life choices.
What is the biggest red flag in a guy?
The biggest red flags in a guy include:
- Controlling where you go and who you can spend time with
- Restricting access to your phone, computer, or bank accounts
- Rushing the relationship with over-the-top gifts and proclamations of love
- Accusing you of cheating or lying with no proof
- Being verbally abusive and putting you down
- Doing things to scare you, such as driving erratically when you’re in the car, slamming furniture, etc.
- Abruptly changing his behavior for the worse after a couple of months of dating
These behaviors are serious red flags that indicate he could become physically abusive.
How to spot red flags early?
The easiest way to spot red flags early in the relationship is to pay attention to his actions, not words.
How does he treat you when you’re alone and in public? How do you feel in his presence and when he’s away? Do you feel like you can be your authentic self around him or do you have the urge to pretend?
If he makes you feel safe, comfortable, and respected, then he’s a green flag.
Be careful not to get lost in fantasies of what your relationship could be. Instead, listen to what your gut is telling you. If you feel anxious or confused most of the time when thinking about your relationship, this is a clear sign something is wrong.
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