What Is Self-Abandonment And How You Can Stop It

Self-abandonment is a destructive habit that includes ignoring your own needs and emotions, and hiding parts of yourself to get the approval of others.

When we abandon ourselves, we do so because we are afraid that others will not accept our true selves. Therefore, we hide who we are, even if it hurts us deeply.

Unfortunately, it can take a long time for people who engage in this type of behavior to understand how damaging it is. Often, they think this behavior is a part of who they are and remain unaware that it’s causing a lot of unhappiness in their lives.

On a surface level, we all like to believe that everything we do is in our best interest. Who would willingly say ‘yes’ to behavior that actually hurts them?

Sadly, many people do.

What Is Self-Abandonment?

Self-abandonment means you have a hard time recognizing your emotional and physical needs, which often leads to codependent relationships and overvaluing the opinions of others.

You easily fall under people’s influence and ignore your personal needs to make everyone else happy.

Like most things, the root of this behavior can be traced back to your childhood.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional, chaotic, or even dangerous environment, you learned at a young age to minimize your own struggles and emotional needs because your parents didn’t meet them.

Likewise, you might have learned how to take the shape of whatever personality would keep you safe, like a chameleon. This behavior usually continues beyond childhood and impacts your adult relationships.

The self-abandoning behavior varies depending on the scope of the dysfunctional family dynamics you grew up in, so one person might have certain limiting beliefs about their self-worth while another could struggle with anxiety.

7 Signs Of Self-Abandonment

What does self-abandonment look like? Here is a non-exhaustive list of the 7 most common signs to look out for.

1. People-pleasing

From pretending to agree with everything and everyone to chronically avoiding conflict, there are many signs of people-pleasing.

It’s no surprise that this is one of the biggest indicators of self-abandonment because it’s driven by a desire to control the outcomes of all interactions and avoid uncomfortable situations.

People-pleasers are deeply affected by the disapproval of others, so they go to great lengths to blend into the group, abandoning their true selves in the process.

2. Suppression of emotions

Self-abandoning individuals are usually very out of touch with their true emotions, often deliberately suppressing them with unhealthy coping mechanisms.

These don’t always have to be drugs and alcohol – any activity that is distracting enough will do and it doesn’t have to be inherently unhealthy either. Binge-watching TV shows can qualify just as much as spending too much time on social media.

3. Debilitating perfectionism

Low self-worth goes hand in hand with self-abandonment. When you struggle with being confident and believing in yourself, you’re more likely to become a perfectionist who is never satisfied with any accomplishment.

Alongside unhealthy perfectionism, you might also be overly critical of yourself and fail to see any of your accomplishments as important.

As a result, you get stuck in a loop, constantly moving the goalposts for success so that you never live up to your own standards – there’s always more to accomplish.

4. Hiding who you are

Hiding means not expressing your emotions, opinions, or interests because you’re afraid of rejection.

In other words, you are too preoccupied with blending in and not rocking the boat. Your biggest priority is becoming whatever version of yourself is most acceptable in a given social setting, and who you actually are is left on the sidelines.

5. Abandoning your values

Acting in a way that goes against your values is a deep level of self-abandonment since it involves rejecting core aspects of who you are.

Making others happy takes priority over anything else, even if it leads to regret or feelings of guilt later on.

6. Constant second-guessing and overthinking

Because self-abandoning individuals always feel like whatever they do isn’t good enough, they don’t trust themselves or their own choices.

Every little decision could potentially lead to disaster, so they anxiously obsess over their actions. Letting go of overthinking can be a long process but it can be done by working on your self-esteem and understanding your triggers.

7. Lack of boundaries

Poor boundaries are the reason so many self-abandoners struggle with their relationships and end up repeating patterns from their childhood.

When you don’t know how to set boundaries, this draws in manipulative people who prefer surrounding themselves with people who bend to their will. And ignoring your boundaries to humor people who don’t respect you only leads to hurt and disappointment.

Many recovering self-abandoners can only in retrospect recognize how others violated their boundaries, leading to anger and shame at how they had allowed themselves to be treated.

How To Stop Abandoning Yourself

Self-abandonment is learned behavior. This means that with enough time and effort, you can also learn how to act in your own best interest.

The first step to quitting self-abandonment is to give yourself time to process and confront all the moments when you turned your back on yourself for the sake of someone else.

But once you mourn the past, turn your attention to the role you played in your own suffering.

Breaking the patterns of the past can only be done when you can identify them, which includes examining your own behavior.

Do you give people one too many chances?

Do you ignore red flags?

Do you smile and say “yes” when every bone in your body is yelling “no”?

Are you mindful of your interactions or do you live on auto-pilot?

Overcoming self-abandonment also includes practicing self-compassion and learning how to trust your body. It’s important to reconnect with your emotions and recognize that you should not run away from them but rather listen to what they’re telling you.

Naturally, nothing will change overnight. Underneath self-abandonment usually lies a plethora of issues that have followed you for a very long time, and overcoming them is very much like pulling out weeds.

But if you persevere, show up for yourself, and become comfortable with facing your fears, you’ll become a person that knows when to say enough and is happy while doing so.

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