It’s You – You’re Making Your Dating Life Miserable

These days, you don’t have to go far to find content about how hard it is to date and be in a relationship.

From horrible dating app experiences to 50-50 relationships where nickeling and diming is the norm, it seems like every other woman on the internet is one step away from completely forgoing romantic relationships with men.

Having had my fair share of bad experiences, I can’t blame us.

But this is exactly why I know we hold the key to preventing these experiences from repeating. And it starts with acknowledging the role we play in our own suffering.

He Treats You Badly, But You Keep Coming Back for More

In a legendary scene from Sex and the City, Miranda chastises Carrie for choosing to get lunch with Big despite all the pain and drama she had experienced with him. “You’re more than willing to go back for more,” says Miranda.

This applies to a lot of women. Instead of nurturing our self-worth and self-respect, and shutting the door to any man who uses us when it’s convenient, we’re just so happy that we got picked — even if it’s for a brief situationship that goes nowhere.

What enables this behavior?

Fantasy thinking.

We refuse to acknowledge the truth, and instead cling to whatever fantasy we’ve come up with in our heads to make it bearable to continue the relationship.

In reality, he could be a manipulator who only calls you up when he has nothing better to do. But in your fantasy, you’ll one day have a beautiful relationship everyone is jealous of — as soon as he gets his shit together, that is. And you’re going to grit your teeth and wait it out.

But while you’re gritting your teeth, you’re damaging your self-esteem and wellbeing. There’s a part of you that knows you deserve better. That knows you’re hurting yourself. With our fantasies, we shut this part down. However, it always comes at a cost.

Refusing To Change Your Dating Strategy

When you experience one dating disappointment after another, I recommend looking at how you approach dating and who you’re going out with. This is what I did – and discovered my behavior had made it very easy to end up in the company of emotionally unavailable, low-effort people.

Do you know why some women experience romantic dates, consistent attention, and respectful behavior from their partners? Because they refuse to entertain anyone who doesn’t meet their high standards.

If you keep giving the time of day to every man who slides into your DMs, you’ll get the same frustrating results like ghosting and breadcrumbing.

Instead of approaching dating without a strategy, approach it like it’s a new job offer and you’re a valuable candidate. Ask yourself how this person’s presence will benefit your life. Figure out what kind of relationship you want to have. Think about how you want your partner to treat you. How you want to feel in their company.

Respond only to respectful texts that actually start a conversation – not fire emoji reactions. “Let’s hang out” isn’t a date if you’re over the age of 18. And if it becomes clear they’re just looking to text endlessly, move on.

Most importantly, don’t fall into the trap of defeatist thinking. There are good people out there. It’s just hard to find them when you’re letting situationships waste your time.

Stop Centering Romantic Relationships

This sounds rich coming from a dating blogger, but de-centering romantic relationships is important to build a life you enjoy.

Obsessing about why you’re single and watching tarot videos for clues when you’re going to meet The One is a waste of time. Time that you could be investing in expanding your career, learning a new skill, or starting a physical activity that helps you feel healthy and strong.

I want to emphasize the importance of building your career. Because with career growth also comes financial growth. And this gives you more freedom and independence.

And when you make your own money, take yourself on nice trips, and treat yourself – you start screening potential romantic partners completely differently. Because now you’re not going to be impressed with the bare minimum or flashy displays of wealth. You’ll be looking at their character and how they treat you.

I’m Not Angry – I Just Want Better For Women

While this rant of a blog post makes me sound angry, I’m not. It’s just frustrating to watch women be miserable as a result of their poor dating strategies and low standards, and still doing nothing to improve their dating life.

As tempting as it is to blame men for everything, we have to take accountability for our choices. There are all sorts of people out there. Many of them won’t be a good fit for you. Some might leave you questioning your desire to be in a relationship at all. But the less time you spend with them, the better.

Strong boundaries and high standards will help you avoid people you don’t want to date. And although this might shrink your dating pool, it will also vastly improve your dating life – and pay off with more fulfilling experiences and relationships.