9 Steps To Letting Go Of Resentment And Anger For Good

Letting go of resentment and anger tied to painful events from your past is a process very similar to pulling out weeds.

If you don’t pull out the root, the resentment will continue to resurface no matter how hard you try to get rid of it.

But letting go of grudges requires more than simply deciding you’ll move on.

It can be a lengthy process with plenty of ups and downs that will leave you feeling like you’re not making any progress at all.

However, if you commit to this process, the negative energy that used to consume your thoughts will dissipate over time.

Here are the 9 steps that’ll help you on your journey to letting go of resentment.

How To Let Go Of Resentment

1. Talk to someone about what happened to you

One of the biggest mistakes that people make regarding letting go of resentment and bitterness is holding it all in and refusing to talk about it with anyone.

Studies have shown that social relationships can benefit health, and talking about your past with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist allows you to feel supported.

Your pain is no longer just a looping thought in your mind – after all, we don’t say we “get things off our chest” for no reason.

When you stay silent, the anger and resentment continue to fester, causing a build-up of negative energy that keeps you stuck in the past.

Of course, the degree of the severity of the events in your past will have a big influence on your ability to open up. This is exactly why therapy is an important option to consider.

2. Allow yourself to experience the emotions

Resentment is usually perceived as a negative emotion.

Few people like to admit that they’re still not over that thing that happened however many years ago – it means the situation (and the person) still has a certain level of control over you.

But in your attempt to avoid dwelling on the negative feelings, be careful not to deny yourself the experience of actually processing your emotions.

Whether it’s anger, pain, disappointment, frustration – or everything at once – giving those emotions space is what allows them to be released.

Remember that this is not a linear process, so your feelings might ebb and flow over time which should not be interpreted as a sign that you’re “failing” at integrating your past.

3. Get some perspective

When we’re deep in the throes of anger, it’s easy to exaggerate what was done to us. (Note: this is relative and might not apply to your situation.)

What’s more, we tend to assume a lot, including what someone’s intentions were. Then we further fill in the story with what we believe is their “true” character, and what this says about us vs them.

However, unless you get it straight from the horse’s mouth, all of this is just a story that could be completely false.

So, take some time to think about whether you’re blowing the other person’s behavior out of proportion. A journal can be helpful in this case but you can also get another person’s perspective – just make sure they’re honest enough to give you their unfiltered opinion.

4. Learn how to forgive

Few things are as irritating as someone telling you that you should “forgive and forget” when you’re hurting.

Sometimes forgiveness is the last thing on your mind, especially if you feel deeply betrayed.

While I don’t believe you need to get closure to let go of resentment, you do need forgiveness.

It’s difficult and it takes time but there’s immense power in releasing pent-up negative energy through forgiving and deciding that a situation no longer has power over you.

5. Accept emotional wounds as a part of life

When you’re left reeling from a painful event, it’s easy to believe that you’re the only person in the world who has ever felt this way.

Over time, as resentment builds, the pain becomes a part of your identity. For example, you might describe yourself as the kind of person who doesn’t trust anyone because of bad relationships in the past.

Forming your identity around your pain is a slippery slope since it usually leads to the creation of self-limiting beliefs around your worth, abilities, etc. Not to mention that you might end up subconsciously sabotaging relationships because you believe you’ll get hurt sooner or later.

To prevent this, it’s helpful to switch gears and accept that hurt (just like love) is a part of life, which makes the negative experiences from your past less personal so they’re less likely to become a part of your identity.

Obviously, this doesn’t justify what happened to you nor does it mean that you shouldn’t have any boundaries in place to protect yourself. After all, anger is a gift that is important to our self-preservation.

However, acceptance is an essential part of letting go of resentment and anger, especially if you want to have healthy relationships in the future.

6. Focus on the lessons

Okay, so you’re not supposed to identify with your pain. But what can you do instead?

Focusing on the lessons you’ve learned is one option – they are what will prevent you from repeating the same mistakes in the future.

In addition, zeroing in on what you’ve learned about yourself is also helpful when dealing with any regrets that could show up during the healing process.

Having regrets is perfectly normal but I like to reframe them as crucial life and relationship lessons that I couldn’t have learned any other way.

Yes, it would’ve been nice if someone had taught me how to deal with my self-abandoning tendencies at school or at least warned me of what could happen if I continued living my life without any regard for myself.

SEE ALSO: 5 Lessons I Wish I Had Learned At School

Alas, these lessons came in different packaging. But I still appreciate them all the same, even if my first instinct is to regret the events that preceded them.

7. Let go of the past (in every sense of the word)

Letting go of resentment also includes leaving the past behind and accepting it for what it is – not constantly ruminating on it and imagining how it could’ve gone differently.

In addition to letting go emotionally, it’s also important to let go physically. By this, I mean cutting off contact with people with whom you can’t have a healthy relationship. As long as they’re in your life, the past will remain alive.

Make sure you don’t continue any self-sabotaging behavior that feeds into your resentment on social media either. Unfollow, mute, or block if you need to, and most importantly, stop checking the other person’s page just to “see what they’re up to”.

SEE ALSO: 5 Major Reasons To Block Your Ex (And 2 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t)

8. Redirect your thoughts

It’s not uncommon for people with long-standing grudges to have a habit of repeatedly thinking about the past.

Considering that most of our daily thoughts are repetitive, you shouldn’t be surprised when your resentment-filled thoughts start popping into your mind on a daily basis.

If you don’t make an active effort to redirect your thoughts (and especially if you feed into them) then anger and bitterness will become a part of your everyday life.

This is a key step in letting go of resentment and bitterness because the past can only survive in your mind. When you no longer allow it to live rent-free in your head, you’ll stop being consumed by the angry emotions it brings.

9. Understand that it’s a waste of your energy

When you think about negative events from the past, your body responds as if the situation is happening in the present moment.

You might feel furious, anxious, or sad which results in an unnecessary drain of your energy.

In this case, it’s important to understand that you do have control over these thoughts.

So would you prefer to waste your energy ruminating on upsetting situations that happened months or years ago, or pause and shift your attention to something that actually deserves your time?

Final Thoughts

I often joke that I have memory like an elephant since I can easily remember details from the past, especially if my memory of the event is loaded with anger or frustration.

In other words, I used to hold grudges like I was getting paid to do it until I decided I no longer wanted to be a resentful person.

When this has been your MO for a long time, breaking out of the pattern of resentment seems borderline impossible.

The pain you experienced in the past slowly becomes an integral part of how you see yourself, and changing anything that has to do with your identity takes committed work.

Don’t give up if you go through ebbs and flows. Some days are easier than others, so don’t beat yourself up on the days when difficult emotions come back up again. And instead of trying to repress them, try to release them in a way that feels natural to you.

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Disclaimer: This article is not intended to be a replacement for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment by qualified medical professionals. Always seek the advice of your doctor, therapist, or other healthcare providers with any questions you may have.