Important Lessons About Relationships I Learned In My 20s

Right now, I’m closer to being thirty than twenty. When I look back on my twenty-year-old self, it feels like a different person, so it’s safe to say that I’ve changed a lot since then.

Our twenties are a time of exploration and experimentation, which naturally leads to lessons. Some of the most important lessons about relationships I learned in my twenties came from major mistakes.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve done a lot of self-reflection and completely changed some of my core beliefs around relationships.

So far, I’ve concluded that the quality of your relationships – platonic or otherwise – wields immense power over your happiness. Regardless of your circumstances, no one can be happy when their most intimate relationships are superficial or filled with disrespect.

Here are 3 important lessons about relationships I learned through the ups and downs of this decade:

Someone can like you and still not respect you

For the majority of my life, I lived under the assumption that when someone loves you, then it must mean they also respect you. I was so, so, wrong.

Some people are entirely capable of engaging in relationships out of convenience. Maybe your presence helps them cope with loneliness or makes their life easier in another way.

Access to sex and emotional intimacy is another major reason. We talk a lot about how we use social media for distraction while ignoring the fact that people will also use other people for the same purpose.

When a friend or romantic partner respects you, it means they value you and your relationship.

They celebrate you and appreciate you for who you are, not just what you bring to their life. Your relationship is filled with understanding and thoughtful communication.

People who struggle with setting boundaries often fall into the trap of thinking respect is implied and then fail to see when someone’s walking all over them. Or they’ll make excuses to justify staying in the relationship.

So how do you make someone respect you? You can’t.

“Respect is not something that can be forced or demanded. It’s a gift. If someone wants to give it to you, they will. And if they don’t, they won’t,” writes former Secret Service agent Evy Poumpouras in her book Becoming Bulletproof.

While you can’t make someone respect you, you do have control over your response to disrespect, and it’s important not to give this power away when you’re dealing with people who don’t value you.

There is no reward for putting up with crappy behavior

Being someone’s “ride or die” is nowhere near as romantic as movies make it out to be. Real life is not True Romance.

Sometimes, being forgiving only sends a gigantic signal that you’re willing to put up with all sorts of crap – and still not leave.

When we talk about entrepreneurs and business, we often say that hard work pays off. And it seems like this belief has influenced how we approach our relationships.

We think that it will somehow pay off in the end if we stay in spite of the disrespect and pain. We will prove our worthiness and then the relationship will get back on track. This is an illusion.

I must point out that for a lot of people, this pattern is subconscious. It usually ties into self-abandoning tendencies that lead them to ignore subtle red flags which indicate their new partner might cause trouble down the line.

Pay attention to how they make you feel… when they’re not around

One of the most important lessons about relationships I learned in my early 20s was trusting my emotions and intuition.

But it’s not just about paying attention to how you feel when you’re in that person’s presence. How do you feel when they’re not around? Are your thoughts pleasant or filled with anxiety?

Toxic relationships have a ripple effect, so you might feel more sad, tired, or irritable than usual.

Whether you’re aware of it or not, you pick up on things like body language and communication style, even if you’re not paying explicit attention.

You might not receive these messages from your body right away, because you’re too caught up in the moment. But once the interaction is over and you’re alone, uncomfortable feelings might arise.

P.S. When someone does or says something that sets off alarm bells in your head, for the love of God, do not ignore those signs.

Sadly, most people only recognize red flags in hindsight because they were too focused on giving the benefit of the doubt. Remember, you are more perceptive than you think.

Love bombing and future faking are not always obvious

One time, someone tried to future fake me.

This was before I knew anything about future faking or love bombing, and their strategy rested on excessive complimenting and talking at length about all the vacations we were going to take… even though they knew me for a week.

Thankfully, the whole thing weirded me out, and when it became obvious what this person was really after, I dipped.

In retrospect, the situation seems crystal clear. But when you’re in the thick of it, it can be difficult to discern whether someone is manipulating you, especially if you struggle with low self-worth.

Online advice makes it seem straightforward but real life is messy and nuanced. You might have a lot in common with this person and they could possess many of the traits you’re looking for in a partner.

To protect yourself, the best you can do is carefully approach every new relationship and make sure you’re not getting overly invested too soon.

Life teaches us lessons about relationships all the time…

…but it’s up to us to learn and know better in the future.

It’s easy to lament about your exes or how your friendships suck. What takes true effort is digging underneath the surface of these relationships and discovering why you entered them in the first place.

When you go within and understand why you’re drawn to the people you surround yourself with, you’ll be able to have better relationships – in your twenties and beyond.

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