How to Embody Black Cat Energy When Dating (From a Black Cat)

A “black cat” is a woman who is slightly introverted, mysterious, and independent. Maybe even a little bit intimidating.

She’s the polar opposite of the “Golden Retriever” personality type, which is outgoing, affectionate, and friendly.

The “black cat theory” first took off on TikTok, and for a while, everyone wanted to learn how to become a black cat in their relationship.

Why? Because black cats are perceived as women who get what they want, don’t get played, and enjoy healthy relationships with loving Golden Retriever boyfriends.

I find that a lot of the advice around how to become a black cat is vague at best and cringe at worst (“rest in your feminine energy” is one of the main offenders).

But that doesn’t mean there aren’t things you can do to embody a more independent, confident energy that filters out unsuitable partners.

As a someone who’s been described as a black cat, I felt compelled to share a couple of specific ways you can become more of a black cat when dating, without embarrassing yourself:

1. Be more guarded in the early dating stages

If you have a tendency to go all in on a relationship just two dates in, your new job as a black cat is to pull back and let men earn your trust.

Here’s how you can do this:

• Monitor their behavior but don’t jump to conclusions. For example, it’s a nice gesture if he holds the door open for you and plans every date. However, don’t take this as a sign he is serious about being in a relationship with you. Black cats respond to consistent behavior over a period of months, not days.
• Don’t be too available. That means you no longer go on last-minute dates, text him until 3 in the morning, or spend hours waiting on him to solidify plans. But don’t confuse this with playing hard to get, because that will drive away normal men who actually take “no” for an answer. Be responsive, but not too eager.
• Be mindful about what you talk about. Black cats don’t trauma dump or overshare because they understand strangers don’t deserve intimate details about their life.

It’s important not to confuse being guarded with being an asshole — black cats are still kind and respectful.

And if you’re naturally a bubbly person, you don’t need to change. The point is not to give yourself a personality transplant, but simply adjust your approach to early dating.

2. Speak your mind

Black cats are confident women who aren’t afraid to speak their mind when they disagree. They’re the opposite of the cool girl.

In other words, if you’re dating someone and they suggest doing something you don’t feel comfortable with, you should say so instead of pretending to avoid upsetting them.

Here’s an example. A few years ago, I was dating someone I thought was a great match. After three dates, he tried to invite me over to his place.

I said no. Didn’t provide a lengthy explanation, I just said I wasn’t comfortable coming over to a man’s place if we weren’t in a steady relationship. He said “ok”, and our dating came to an end shortly after.

I know my response might have made me appear like a paranoid prude. But if it makes me uncomfortable to be in a closed space with a man I met two weeks ago, why should I lie? The right person won’t mind, he’d just suggest doing something else.

That’s the approach you should take the next time you start dating someone. Don’t be afraid to stick to your boundaries; you set them for a reason.

3. Take rejection in stride

Black cats are confident and they don’t base their self-worth on what other people think about them. So the next time someone rejects, ghosts, or tries to breadcrumb you, try not to obsess over it.

Take a day or two to be disappointed, then find other things to focus your energy on.

Do not:

• Post shady stories on Instagram hoping the other person will see it
• Keep reaching out in the hopes they’ll change their mind
• Turn the rejection into an entire story about how all men are trash or that you keep attracting the wrong people

4. Prioritize your plans

Whether it’s a vacation or becoming a homeowner, black cats prioritize their goals and plans over the relationship. A mistake I see many women make is that they think their boyfriend = husband, so they’ll adjust all of their plans to the new man in their life.

Please don’t do this. Don’t cancel vacations with friends, or lose sight of important goals you want to achieve.

For example, if your goal is to buy a home in the next 2 years, then keep saving your money even if you do get into a relationship. Don’t pause just because you think you might get married and then you’ll buy a home together.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t create any space for your new relationship. Of course, you should be considerate and plan to also do things together. But your goals should firmly remain the center of your focus.

5. Be self-disciplined

Black cats have self-respect, so they are disciplined enough to hold back when they know someone isn’t a good fit even if they really like them. It could be because they’re not showing enough interest or simply don’t meet important relationship standards.

Apply self-discipline to all other parts of your dating life. An ex-situationship came out of the woodwork to check in? Block them. A person who ghosted you wants a second chance? Delete their message.

If this sounds ruthless to you, it’s because you haven’t fully embraced your black cat energy. Once you do, these actions will seem obvious.

What black cat energy isn’t

Unfortunately a lot of dating advice is either AI-generated or authored by writers who work for content farms and don’t care about the quality of advice they’re giving. And some of it is written by grifter dating coaches who deliberately make things sound confusing so you purchase their services.

Here are some ways I’ve seen other websites describe black cat energy that have nothing to do with it:

• Taking “luxurious baths”. You could take a bubble bath every day of your life but soap won’t help you build self-respect
• Trying too hard to be mysterious or unpredictable. Like I already said, black cat energy comes down to knowing your worth, not your personality type
• Moving gracefully like an actual cat. Trying to mimic a feline won’t help your dating life, sorry
• Shoving your independence in everyone’s face. While black cats are independent and comfortable alone, this doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help or advice from the people you’re dating

I hope this blog post has helped demystify the concept of black cat energy, and given you a better idea of how you can channel it in your day to day life. Follow me on Instagram for more tips!