6 Tips To Learn How To Be In A Healthy Relationship After A Toxic One

After a toxic relationship ends, it’s normal to forget what being in a healthy relationship feels like.

Perhaps you spent years with your ex.

Years that were filled with constant arguments, jealousy, immaturity, and lack of emotional availability.

Before you start dating again, it’s important to learn how to be in a healthy relationship after a toxic one. So you don’t self-sabotage and miss out on positive connections with new people.

1. Nurture Yourself

After you leave a toxic relationship, it’s important to take time to recuperate.

If you try to jump into a new relationship without healing previous relationship trauma, you risk self-sabotaging. And hurting people who had good intentions.

Therapy is always a good idea, especially if the toxic relationship left you with trauma.

A skilled therapist can help you understand how the relationship impacted you. And how to process what happened.

Journaling and talking about your experiences with trusted friends is also helpful.

Remember that healing is rarely linear, so you’ll have days when you’re questioning your decision to leave. And moments when you’ll miss your toxic ex.

2. Take a Break From Dating

After you leave a toxic relationship, it could be tempting to download a dating app and get back out there.

Because dating is a distraction from the hurt and loneliness you’re feeling.

However, it’s better to invest this time in healing from your toxic ex. And understanding what you want in a romantic relationship.

This doesn’t mean you must isolate yourself, although it’s okay if you need a period of solitude.

Avoid loneliness by leaning on your support system – friends, family, your wider community.

3. Set Healthy Relationship Standards

Often, people who survived toxic relationships become experts on red flags to avoid. But they forget to consider the things they want to experience in their first healthy relationship.

Setting healthy relationship standards starts with deciding how you want your partner to treat you. Be careful not to fixate on external characteristics, such as their career or physical appearance.

While these things matter, they shouldn’t be more important than how someone behaves towards you.

For example, it doesn’t matter if someone is the CEO of a tech startup if they leave you on read for three days. Their behavior shows you’re not a priority, so their professional achievements shouldn’t matter.

You can call these standards your non-negotiables.

When I was in the process of setting my relationship non-negotiables, I knew that my absolute priority was to be with someone who is caring and considerate.

If the guy didn’t have these traits, then nothing else mattered because I knew the relationship wouldn’t work. And I wouldn’t be happy.

4. Take Your Time Getting to Know People

Time is your best friend when you’re learning how to be in a healthy relationship after a toxic one.

You need time to really get to know someone. And time to understand how you feel about them.

Whirlwind romances look great on the big screen. But since you’ve experienced toxic relationships in the past, it’s in your best interest to slow things down and date at a leisurely pace. For example, if you just started dating someone, try to limit dates to 2 times per week.

This gives you enough time to evaluate your potential partner. And decide how you want the relationship to move forward.

5. Don’t Look for Issues Where There Are None

If you’re finally in a healthy romantic relationship, you might have lingering issues that are preventing you from enjoying it.

What does this look like?

It looks like starting arguments for no reason. Or using small differences between you and your partner as proof you’re not good for each other.

But your mind is just looking for an excuse to abandon the relationship. Because you’re terrified of getting hurt once again.

Remember that this could happen even if you went to therapy.

It’s one thing to process relationship wounds with a therapist and another thing to do so in an actual relationship. Be patient with yourself and don’t hesitate to check in with your therapist if you notice your fears are spiraling out of control.

6. Accept that Healthy Relationships Feel Boring

Many people who finally enter a healthy relationship after a toxic one say that it feels boring. Because it lacks the anxiety that a toxic partner creates.

For example, if your ex was inconsistent and emotionally unavailable, you might have constantly worried about when you’d see them next. And how they’d behave.

This anxiety doesn’t exist in a healthy relationship. A healthy partner is consistent and shows they care about you. There’s no need to wonder how they feel about you because their feelings are clear.

This safety might register as boredom, especially if toxic partners are all you’ve ever known.

In a healthy relationship, you also won’t obsess over your new partner as you did over your toxic ex. As a result, you might think you’re not in love with your new boyfriend or girlfriend.

But this is an illusion. A healthy partner is a safe person – and safety doesn’t create anxiety that fuels obsessive thinking.

The Hardest Relationship Is The Healthy One After The Toxic One

After breaking up with a toxic partner and finally meeting a secure and emotionally available person, you might think your relationship will be smooth sailing. Only to be met by a wave of difficult emotions, from doubt to boredom.

Be careful not to project your ex onto your new partner. For example, if your ex used to ghost you for days, you might be tempted to blow up every time your new partner doesn’t immediately text back.

When this happens, pause and remind yourself that your ex is no longer in the picture. And that the person you’re dating now isn’t guilty for what your ex did to you.

Remember – you’ve already suffered enough with your toxic ex, so don’t sabotage your relationship now.