What Is Future Faking And 5 Ways You Can Avoid It

Did you ever start dating someone who made over-the-top promises at the beginning of the relationship that they never fulfilled? If yes, then you’ve already experienced future faking.

Future faking is a manipulative strategy often used by narcissists to get what they want from you in the present moment.

Their promises target your heartfelt desires, such as long-term commitment and stability.

They distort reality so that you believe your relationship is stronger and deeper than it actually is, and you end up giving in to the manipulator’s demands.

What Is Future Faking?

Consider the following scenario. You’ve started dating someone new and you’re enjoying getting to know them.

However, by the third date, they’re already talking about going on vacations together, meeting each other’s family, and other important steps a couple usually takes several months into the relationship.

On one hand, you’re flattered and excited that you finally found someone who wants to commit.

On the other hand, alarms are going off in your head that this person is going way too fast.

Something seems off.

Pretty soon, you realize that this person has no intention of delivering on their promises.

These are just empty words meant to manipulate you into lowering your guard and doing what they want.

This is called future faking.

Future fakers use this strategy to manipulate your emotions. It creates an illusion of intimacy and connection so that you succumb to their demands.

The broken promises of future faking almost always target your heart’s deepest desires, like financial stability, love, and intimacy.

Most people would never make such serious promises without intending to fulfill them, so you’re more likely to believe you have a special connection with each other.

What Are The Signs Of Future Faking?

Here are the most common examples of future faking:

1. Moving too fast

All relationships move at their own pace. But certain behavior is reserved when you’ve already been with your partner for a couple of months — not days.

For example, a future faker will say “I love you” or talk about taking a month-long vacation in the Caribbean after only knowing you for a week.

2. Making grand statements

Someone who is trying to manipulate you will also use grandiose statements to make you feel like you’re in a fairytale.

They will love bomb you by saying, “I never felt this way about anyone else before,” or “We have a soulmate connection.”

3. Refusing to take accountability

Narcissists and other types of manipulative people can’t take responsibility for their actions.

If you try to start a conversation about their hurtful behavior, they will either shift the blame on you or deny any wrongdoing.

The more you argue, the harder they’ll deny. By the end of the conversation, you’ll be exhausted and still not get any answers or acknowledgment of bad behavior.

4. Changing their behavior overnight

Future faking doesn’t last forever. It’s followed by a sudden switch in behavior — the person goes from loving and affectionate to cold and dismissive.

The sudden change can come after you questioned their wild promises and plans for the future. Or, they might have gotten what they wanted from you and now want to move on to their next target.

At this stage, it’s important to remember that there’s nothing you could’ve done differently. The outcome would’ve been the same regardless.

The future faker’s behavior isn’t a reflection of you as a person.

It doesn’t mean you’re unloveable, it just means that a manipulative person took advantage of your trust.

When Can You Expect Future Faking?

As one of the forms of coercive control, future faking can manifest whenever you’re dealing with a manipulative person or a malignant narcissist.

Although future faking is a common tactic in romantic relationships, it can appear in other areas of life as well.

Family members might lie to you about providing financial support or offering to help you with an important thing in the future just to get you to comply with their wishes in the present.

Your manager might also talk about a possible future promotion or new position if you say yes to putting in more hard work.

How To Respond To Future Faking

If you’re at the beginning of a relationship and realize that someone is future faking you, your first instinct is probably to confront them with the facts and get some answers.

But the best way to respond to future faking is not to respond. Don’t try to talk it out, in person or via text, because a person who is willing to con you like this will rarely give you honest answers.

Breaking off the relationship is the best course of action.

While this sounds harsh, try to leave your feelings aside and take an objective view of the situation.

If this were happening to a friend of yours, you’d probably advise your friend to leave. Now, you need to be that friend to yourself and act in your best interest.

Denying the reality of the situation so that you can continue to engage in this fantasy relationship will make you happy in the short term.

But are you willing to hurt your happiness in the long term just to enjoy some temporary and dishonest affection?

If you’re unable to go no contact, or if the future faking is happening in a non-romantic setting, try the following:

• Speaking to a mental health professional.
• When the person starts making spectacular future plans, ask for details.
• If it’s safe to do so, let them know you’re aware of what they’re doing.
• Do not give in to their manipulative tendencies.

Why Do People Future Fake?

To a level-headed person who is used to healthy relationships, the entire concept of future-faking seems nonsensical.

Why would you make wild promises that you have no intention of fulfilling?

Natalie Lue of Baggage Reclaim had the following to say about the reasons behind future faking in a recent podcast episode:

“Something that we need to acknowledge about future faking is that the person who talks a good game about the future and feels the need to say and do this stuff is trying to convince you that they’re legit. Because on some level, they know they’re not.” (The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, Ep. 223)

Future faking is also often linked to narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) because narcissists find it hard to distinguish between sincerity and insincerity.

They don’t see a problem with promising you the world one day and then flaking out on you the next.

Although it’s easy to ruminate on the reasons why people do certain things, it’s best to accept that sometimes you’ll never get closure.

Does this mean I’m dating a narcissist?

Although many people have had experiences with future faking narcissists, this doesn’t mean that every person who future fakes can be diagnosed with NPD.

Like breadcrumbing, the future faking strategy is a kind of manipulation that doesn’t have to be linked to NPD.

What matters more than diagnosing someone with NPD is to decide whether you want to stick around in what is an unfulfilling relationship filled with illusions.

How To Avoid Future Faking

While there is nothing you can do to completely avoid future fakers, you can set strong boundaries and high standards that will make it less likely you’ll be tricked by them.

1. Control your assumptions

The fastest way to be let down is to assume that a new relationship means more than it actually does.

Consider this as an example: You start dating someone who says they want to introduce you to their parents only a few weeks into the relationship.

An alarm sounds off in your head that this is way too soon. But instead of listening to your doubts, you assume that the other person is very serious about you.

This kind of assumption can lead you down a path of disappointment if you don’t talk about where your relationship is going.

The truth is that different people can place varying amounts of importance on big relationship steps like meeting their parents.

For you, meeting someone else’s parents might be a big deal. But for another person, it might not have any special meaning.

2. Trust your gut

I spent years ignoring my intuition, so I know it can be hard to listen to the signals that your body sends you.

But some of the most difficult situations in my life happened when I didn’t trust my gut.

If a person feels “off”, don’t fall back into your self-abandoning behavior.

Instead, listen to the subconscious part of you that has noticed that a person’s words or actions are dishonest.

3. Be honest and direct

Fear of conflict is one of the biggest reasons why people get roped up into a future faker’s false promises.

For example, an assertive way to respond to someone who wants to introduce you to their parents too soon would be, “I don’t feel comfortable meeting your parents this soon.”

If they try to argue with you, note it as another red flag and refuse to compromise on your boundaries.

4. Don’t fantasize

Do you start fantasizing about the perfect relationship you could have with someone after only the first date?

Fantasies and future faking make for a very potent cocktail. False promises fuel your fantasy, which makes you even more suggestible to the manipulator’s demands.

You end up ignoring all the future faking signs and you do exactly what they want you to do.

To snap out of the cycle, be mindful of your thoughts. Remind yourself that you are only getting to know this person.

In a couple of dates, it could become clear that the two of you are not a good match.

Also, date multiple people at one time so that you don’t get too invested right away. This is not cheating.

In fact, until someone clearly expresses they want a relationship with you, you should assume they are dating other people.

5. Trust actions, not words

When you suspect that a person is making all kinds of future promises they have zero intention of fulfilling, pay close attention to their actions.

Do they constantly make vague plans but never deliver? Does this make you feel confused and disappointed?

Confusion and mixed signals are big red flags. It’s a sign that something doesn’t add up in your relationship.

The next time you come across someone who seems to be in a rush to fast-forward through the initial stages of a relationship, pause and take a step back.

Remember that everyone can talk a good game but few will actually match their actions with their words, so staying level-headed is key to avoiding heartbreak and disappointment.

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