What Does It Mean To Be Emotionally Unavailable

In an era of dating apps and hookup culture, the term emotional unavailability gets thrown around a lot.

But what does it really mean? And what are the signs of an emotionally unavailable person?

Generally speaking, emotionally unavailable men and women find it difficult to be forthright with their feelings, leading to a lack of emotional intimacy and shallow relationships.

If you’ve been wondering whether the person you’re dating is struggling with emotional vulnerability, it’s best to pay attention to individual signs such as avoiding having The Talk or being conflict-avoidant.

It’s important to note that being emotionally unavailable isn’t a mental health condition but a behavioral pattern that needs to be worked on if you’d like to develop a healthy long-term relationship. However, it can be caused by mental health issues.

We should also recognize (and respect) that some people are naturally more reserved than others, so there’s no need to jump to conclusions right away.

As you read through these signs of emotional unavailability, I invite you to keep an open mind. Perhaps you also have some undiscovered avoidant traits which are the reason why you’re constantly finding yourself having a difficult time in relationships.

Signs Of Emotional Unavailability

1. The relationship isn’t going anywhere

In the beginning, you might have had a great time getting to know this new person. The chemistry is off the charts and everything seems to be moving in the right direction.

But now that some time has passed, you feel like you’ve come to a halt. Your relationship isn’t progressing and you keep wondering where the two of you stand.

Another sign to keep in mind is feeling like you know very little about the other person. They might’ve divulged surface-level information but it’s not enough to create a sense of intimacy between the two of you, leaving you doubtful and confused.

Confusion is one of those covert red flags in dating that few people take seriously until it’s too late and they realize they’re now invested in a person who has zero interest in making a commitment.

2. They are frequently late and often cancel dates

Spending quality time together is the foundation of every relationship. When the person you’re dating is constantly late or likes to cancel plans because something “came up”, you can rest assured that your relationship is low on their list of priorities.

Simply put, they’re not ready to invest enough time in getting to know you. And regardless of whether they’re doing it consciously or not, they are self-sabotaging their chances of building more a more meaningful connection.

3. You feel like you’re doing all the work

If you aren’t sure whether your relationship is one-sided or not, ask yourself this: “What would happen if I suddenly stopped putting in effort?”

Would the other person step up? Would they notice something has changed and try to talk to you about it? Or would they simply pull back and slowly fade out of the relationship until you got the hint?

It’s likely that you already feel that there’s an imbalance at play, so don’t ignore your intuition.

4. You’re in a situationship

In this day and age, if you haven’t been in a situationship, you can consider yourself lucky.

Situationships are everywhere because many people have anxiety about expressing their emotional needs out of fear of being called “needy”.

Instead of having an honest conversation about our relationship goals, we hesitate to even broach the topic which makes it incredibly easy to get strung along by emotionally unavailable people.

You might be intimate, spend a lot of time together, or perhaps have even met each other’s friends – but no one dares to bring up commitment.

And your gut feeling tells you that if you did, the other person would probably say they aren’t ready because they’re getting over a past relationship, have a fear of commitment, or prefer to date casually, etc.

5. They’re conflict-avoidant

Being emotionally available also means openly facing discomfort, sadness, anger, and other difficult emotions in both friendships and romantic relationships.

Deflecting or making a joke when someone is trying to broach a serious topic is a big red flag because it tells you that they’re not ready to work through conflict which is essential for every healthy relationship.

What Are The Signs That I Am Emotionally Unavailable?

I’ll be the first to admit that it took me a long time to realize that I have a number of traits that simply scream emotional unavailability.

That’s because I confused being emotionally unavailable with being indifferent – which are two completely different things. I cared deeply but I was never brave enough to express those feelings out loud.

And since the mere idea of being honest about my emotions was enough to send me running for the hills, putting up a front was simply the easier option.

Here are the signs you should work on your emotional expression:

1. You keep ending up with emotionally unavailable people

Take a look at your relationship history – is there a pattern of similar behaviors from one partner to the next?

On a subconscious level, you could be drawn to emotionally avoidant types because you know that the two of you will never work out, sparing you from putting in actual effort into a serious relationship.

2. You don’t trust people easily

Every healthy relationship requires a certain level of mutual trust that allows the emotional bonds to strengthen over time.

If you’ve experienced disappointment or even trauma in the past where your trust was betrayed, you might find it very hard to trust anyone in an intimate relationship.

Consequently, you don’t want to let people in because you’re constantly thinking about the worst-case scenario where you are let down once again.

3. You see relationships as a burden

Sometimes we might have conflicting views on relationships.

On one level, we crave the comfort and emotional connection that a long-term commitment brings but on another, we resist it because we think it will be too big of a burden.

You might even talk about dating and relationships as if they’re a tedious job you’d rather skip.

If this sounds like you, it’s a good idea to ask yourself where did these beliefs come from and why does the thought of a relationship bring up such negative emotions. Often, this is connected to the fear of losing your independence and freedom.

4. Opening up to someone else feels unsafe

We all have different boundaries regarding what we share when we’re just getting to know someone.

But if you find it very hard to go beyond surface-level conversation after a certain period of time has passed, then this is a sign you’re emotionally unavailable.

Causes Of Emotional Unavailability

Struggling with emotional expression can have a variety of causes. While some can be related to mental health issues, others aren’t as severe. They include:

• a bad breakup

• depression

• attachment disorder

• physical or emotional abuse

• childhood trauma

Depending on the cause, a person can work on their emotional vulnerability on their own, in couples counseling, or therapy.

The key is to recognize that there is a problem and to be willing to change.

Without the proper awareness, a person might get very defensive when others bring into question their emotional responses, especially if they believe that it’s a part of their personality and not behavior they can work on.

If you’re currently with a partner who struggles to be open with their feelings, you can try to deal with it by having a frank discussion about what’s blocking you from having a better relationship.

However, you cannot force anyone to change nor should you put on your Bob the Builder hat and attempt to fix them. Often, this leads to resentment since one party feels like they’re doing all the work to repair the relationship and the other feels like they’re being controlled.

Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide whether this is going to be a dealbreaker or not.

But don’t be quick to dismiss the importance of open communication and emotional availability in a healthy relationship as ignoring this issue will not make it go away. In fact, it might just be the reason for your breakup months or years down the line.

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Disclaimer: This article is not intended to be a replacement for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment by qualified medical professionals. Always seek the advice of your doctor, therapist, or other healthcare providers with any questions you may have.