10 Dating Mistakes People with Disorganized Attachment Make

Disorganized attachment combines the worst of both worlds: the fear of being abandoned and the fear of intimacy.

If this sounds like you, you’re not alone, and it’s not your fault—this attachment style often stems from early life experiences where love felt unpredictable or unsafe.

But this attachment style doesn’t have to define your relationships for the rest of your life.

In this post, I’ll walk you through the most common dating mistakes people with disorganized attachment make—and how to avoid them.

These mistakes are informed by my own experiences or those of my friends. So if you have anything to add to this list, please let me know!

1. Assuming the worst about everyone
2. Being hypercritical
3. Picking fights
4. Being overly suspicious
5. Using sex as a substitute for emotional intimacy
6. Staying in toxic relationships
7. Hot and cold behavior
8. Seeking chaos over stability
9. Constantly seeking reassurance
10. Difficulties with jealousy

1. Assuming the Worst About Everyone

People with disorganized attachment often expect people to betray them, because they carry a deep-seated fear of being hurt. So, they preemptively assume the worst to protect themselves.

It’s likely you go into a first date with the mindset of, “This is probably going to end badly.” Intense anxiety or even panic might set in.

The irony? This mindset can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, where your defensiveness makes genuine connection harder to achieve.

Instead of expecting failure, try adopting cautious optimism. This doesn’t mean throwing trust around like confetti but giving people a fair chance to show you who they really are.

Ask yourself: “Am I judging them based on their actions, or am I projecting my fears onto them?” This mental shift can change the energy you bring to dates and make room for authentic connection.

Often, the part of you that’s so afraid of new connection is your inner child. And naturally, it feels defeneseless because children can’t do much to protect themselves from adults.

In this scenario, it helps to remind yourself you are no longer a defenseless child. Now, you are an adult who can set boundaries and walk away from relationships when they go sour.

2. Being Hypercritical

Disorganized attachment makes you hyper-vigilant, where you’re constantly scanning for reasons to run.

This makes you hypercritical of others.

You could fixate on innocent things such as how someone laughs, what kind of shoes they’re wearing, or how they pronounce “espresso.”

Your fear of intimacy can’t help but nitpick relentlessly, all with the purpose of pushing people away.

It’s always easier to find faults in someone else than to give them a shot and risk being vulnerable. But this also robs you of the opportunity to get to know the person behind the quirks.

Challenge yourself to look for what’s right instead of what’s wrong.

Notice how they treat you, whether they’re kind and respectful, and if they make you feel at ease. And if there’s something wrong in this area, then you’re completely in the right to walk away.

3. Picking Fights

Here’s the frustrating truth about disorganized attachment: even when things are going great in your relationship, your nervous system might still scream, “Danger!”

The next thing you know, you’re picking fights or creating distance to regain a sense of control. And sabotaging your relationship.

For example, let’s say you don’t get an immediate text back. A couple of hours goes by and you start simmering with anger.

Instead of giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, you might spiral into, “They don’t care about me” territory. By the time they do respond, you’re already fuming and boom, a fight erupts.

Note:  This doesn't apply to situations where your partner has made a habit of ignoring you. In this case, you have every right to be upset because you're not getting the respect that you deserve.

Breaking this cycle requires mindfulness. Before reacting, pause and ask yourself: “Am I upset because of what they did, or am I triggered by my fear of abandonment?”

Journaling can help you untangle these emotions and provide clarity before you hit send on that angry text. Also, consider talking to a level-headed friend to get a second opinion and cool down.

4. Being Overly Suspicious

Another dating mistake often made by people with disorganized attachment is being overly suspicious.

For example, you might find yourself glancing at their phone whenever they get a call or a text, trying to figure out who’s contacting them—even though they haven’t given you a reason to distrust them.

If you’re constantly looking for reasons to leave them or trying to “expose” them as a player, it signals insecurity and serious trust issues.

While it’s normal to feel cautious in the early stages of dating, excessive suspicion can hurt your connection before it even has a chance to grow.

That said, it’s absolutely okay to take reasonable precautions when dating, especially if you’re meeting someone from a dating app.

Similarly, I recommend going through their Instagram following to see if they primarily follow Instagram models or other questionable profiles. If something stands out, address it early on rather than let it fester.

As a general rule, relationships require a baseline of mutual trust. It’s important to respect the other person’s autonomy and give them space.

Trust means saying, “I’m not going to monitor your every move, and I believe you’re not going to betray me.” In return, they should offer you the same.

Of course, you shouldn’t blindly trust everyone.

If you notice significant changes in their behavior after a few months of dating, it’s okay to be cautious and ask questions. But if they’re consistent, affectionate, and everything feels good, there’s no need to create problems where none exist.

Remember, if someone is being dishonest or hiding something, you’ll likely find out sooner or later. Women, in particular, often have a strong intuition for picking up on when something feels off. Trust your instincts, but don’t let suspicion sabotage a potentially healthy and happy relationship.

5. Using Sex as a Substitute for Emotional Intimacy

Intimacy—physical and emotional—is integral to a relationship. Unfortunately, people with disorganized attachment might use sex as a stand-in for emotional intimacy.

Let’s unpack this.

Your insecure attachment style makes you prone to being emotionally unavailable. For example, you could struggle with:

• Letting people into your emotional world
• Talking about your wishes and plans for the future
• Openly expressing your relationship goals

Vulnerability feels dangerous because you fear being hurt, judged, or rejected. As a defense mechanism, you avoid emotional openness.

This is where sex can become a poor substitute for emotional connection. You might rush into physical intimacy, hoping it will fill that void. But it cannot replace the deeper connection that comes from being emotionally open and vulnerable.

Some people with disorganized attachment describe intense physical chemistry with a partner.

Often, this happens because the emotions they’re unable to express verbally are channeled into physical acts. This can make the physical connection feel disproportionately meaningful—almost as if it’s carrying the weight of all the unspoken emotions.

Another example is using sex as a way to fast-track a relationship toward seriousness, without addressing commitment directly.

Imagine you’ve been dating someone for about a month, and you see long-term potential. Instead of discussing your feelings, you might initiate physical intimacy, hoping it will naturally deepen the connection.

This can backfire, because the other person might not interpret sex as a signal for commitment.

While it can feel safer or less vulnerable in the moment, relying on sex to bridge emotional gaps doesn’t work.

Instead, build the courage to have honest conversations about your feelings and relationship goals. True intimacy comes from both emotional and physical connection, not one at the expense of the other.

6. Staying in Toxic Relationships

One of the most harmful mistakes people with disorganized attachment make is staying in relationships with partners who disrespect them. This often stems from a core issue: low self-worth.

How does this happen?

Disorganized attachment is rooted in childhood experiences where your caregivers didn’t provide protection or love. As children, we internalize this neglect and conclude that it happened because we are unworthy. This belief carries into adulthood.

Even though people with disorganized attachment tend to keep others at arm’s length, manipulative or toxic individuals can break through those walls.

Once an emotional connection forms, it becomes difficult to enforce boundaries.

Why?

Because deep down, there’s a hope this relationship will heal your feelings of worthlessness. And you’re afraid that you’ll be abandoned if you stand up for yourself—an immensely painful thought to someone with disorganized attachment because it’s linked to a childhood where your caregivers abandoned you.

This creates a harmful cycle:

• When a toxic partner treats you poorly, you internalize the blame, thinking, “If only I change [whatever] about myself, they’ll love me.”
• You work harder to prove your worth, believing that enduring bad behavior will eventually lead to the love and acceptance you crave.
• However, there’s no prize at the end—only more pain and damage to your self-esteem.

People with secure attachment don’t tolerate this behavior because they know they’re inherently worthy of love. But with disorganized attachment, the need to prove your worth often outweighs the red flags. So much so that you might barely notice them.

What’s worse, when the relationship inevitably ends, the bad experience reinforces your belief that relationships are unsafe and people are untrustworthy. This perpetuates the very attachment issues you hoped to heal.

Speaking from personal experience, I know what it’s like to let the wrong people into your life, endure betrayals, and come out of those relationships with even deeper trust issues.

The result wasn’t healing; it just made my existing wounds worse.

If you want to break this cycle, focus on strengthening your self-worth.

Recognize that love is not something you have to earn by tolerating disrespect. You’re inherently deserving of healthy, respectful relationships—ones where someone treats you right from the start.

7. Hot and Cold Behavior

A key challenge of disorganized attachment is the tendency to be hot and cold.

One day, you’re fully engaged—spending quality time, connecting deeply, and enjoying the other person’s company.

The next day, fear of commitment takes over, and you pull back. This might mean ignoring texts, canceling plans, or creating emotional distance.

This push-and-pull dynamic stems from a deep-seated fear of intimacy and vulnerability. And most securely attached individuals are repelled by it.

Securely attached people value consistency in relationships and are quick to recognize when someone isn’t emotionally ready for a healthy partnership.

No matter how great your connection feels during the “hot” moments, frequent “cold” episodes are a sign of trouble. Over time, this behavior pushes people away, even those who genuinely care for you.

If you want to build meaningful relationships, it’s crucial to address this pattern. And realize that the hot and cold dynamic isn’t protecting you. All it does is undermine your ability to find the healthy relationship you crave.

8. Seeking Chaos Over Stability

Here’s a hard pill to swallow: if chaos feels familiar, stability can feel boring.

This is why people with disorganized attachment often gravitate toward partners who are unpredictable or emotionally unavailable—they recreate the emotional rollercoaster they’ve always known.

But healthy relationships don’t feel like adrenaline-fueled drama. They’re more like cruising in calm waters.

Don’t let your insecure attachment trick you into thinking your stable relationship isn’t as emotionally deep as your previous toxic ones. Toxic relationships are filled with emotional highs and lows, creating the illusion of depth and connection.

But the consistency in a healthy partnership creates way better intimacy.

9. Constantly Seeking Reassurance

When you have disorganized attachment, you might find yourself constantly needing reassurance from your partner.

At the heart of this issue is your inability to believe you’re truly lovable, which leads to intense anxiety that your partner could leave you. Even if your relationship is going great.

This can show up as overanalyzing your partner’s behavior—maybe they’re quieter than usual, or their goodnight text was shorter than normal—and spiraling into thoughts like, “Did I do something wrong?” or “Are they mad at me?”

While it’s totally natural to want clarity, asking for reassurance too often can make your partner feel like they’re walking on eggshells. It can be exhausting for them if they feel like they can’t just have an off day without needing to constantly reassure you.

So, how can you handle this?

• Pause and reflect: Next time you feel anxious about a slight change in your partner’s behavior, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “Is this really about them, or am I just feeling insecure right now?”
• Reframe your approach: Instead of jumping straight to, “Are you upset with me?” try asking something like, “You seem a little off today—are you okay?” It’s a kinder way to check in without putting pressure on them.
• Work on self-love: Therapy can be a game-changer here. It can help you build your confidence and understand that a healthy partner isn’t going to leave just because you’re not perfect (spoiler: nobody is).

10. Difficulties with Jealousy

Remember your fear of abandonment? It can sometimes lead to intense jealousy—even when there’s no real reason for it.

This jealousy can spiral into imagined scenarios that hurt both you and your relationship.

For example, you might feel jealous of your partner’s coworker, even if their interactions are strictly professional and your partner has never given you a reason to worry.

On the other hand, if your partner is crossing boundaries—like calling a coworker their “work wife” or texting them late at night—your jealousy would be entirely justified.

The tricky part about jealousy is how powerful it feels.

A small, innocent interaction might trigger a flood of negative thoughts, and suddenly, you’re imagining your partner having an affair. Your body reacts as if it’s real, leaving you upset, angry, and sometimes lashing out unnecessarily, which can damage the relationship.

Here’s how to work through jealousy without letting it control you:

1. Distinguish between real and imagined concerns: Ask yourself, Is there actual evidence my partner’s behavior is inappropriate? If you’re unsure, talk to trusted friends or loved ones for perspective. Keep in mind, opinions vary, so use your intuition to guide you.
2. Pause before reacting: When jealousy hits, take a moment to breathe and calm down before addressing it. This can stop you from acting impulsively and creating unnecessary conflict.
3. Reflect on the root cause: Journaling or meditating can help you unpack what’s really going on. Are you triggered by low self-esteem or fear of abandonment? Understanding the why behind your feelings is key to managing them.

Remember, it’s natural to feel jealous sometimes, but unchecked jealousy can push your partner away. Working on your self-esteem and building trust in your relationship can help you feel more secure over time.

What’s Next?

Now that you know what kind of dating mistakes you’re prone to making, it’s time to put this knowledge into practice. The next time you start dating someone, keep an eye out for these behaviors. Try not to give into them. With time, dating will get easier and more fun.

If possible, reach out to a therapist with experience treating people with complex PTSD or attachment issues. Therapy has done wonders for healing my disorganized attachment style and helped me avoid self-sabotage.