Dating With Low Self-Worth Is Exhausting, But There Is A Way Out

Does the thought of dating give you anxiety? When you date, do you become fixated on the other person and do everything you can to earn their approval?

This is what dating with low-self worth looks like. It’s the reason why the Cool Girl Syndrome exists and why many of us are so desperate to be loved even if it costs us our self-respect.

We ignore our own needs and slip into self-abandoning behavior that is downright dangerous when we come across manipulators and abusers.

Dating with low self-worth feels exhausting because we’re not focused on finding a loving relationship with a person that makes us happy, but rather on getting an external source of validation to prove to ourselves that we have value.

When we face rejection, which is an inevitable part of the dating experience, it feels as though our entire world has come crashing down.

Coping with rejection can be incredibly difficult with low self-worth, as we take it as proof that we’re not good enough. But it’s just another false story we tell ourselves – and we can move past it.

Why dating with low-self worth is so difficult

When you struggle with low self-worth, you automatically give up your agency when dating because your number one priority is getting the other person to like you.

Their opinion is the one that matters most, and you’ll mold yourself into whatever personality you think they could fall in love with.

You’ll ignore red flags only because you’re so happy that someone finds you attractive and has taken an interest in you.

To a person with low self-worth, this type of attention is priceless. And it’s very dangerous.

While you’re busy trying to tick all the boxes to get someone to fall in love with you, you forget about your own relationship standards.

You don’t pay any attention to this person’s personality traits, values, and character.

It’s likely that you already have cast them as the main character in the fantasy relationship in your head. Losing the fantasy would hurt too much, even if the actual person doesn’t even come close to the one in your daydreams.

While the fantasy runs free, your low self-worth and need for acceptance make you an easy target for manipulation.

There’s a reason why manipulative and abusive people always end up in relationships with people who are codependent, eager to please, don’t know how to say “no”, and are willing to put up with horrible behavior just for a modicum of love and affection.

In fact, if you’re not sure if you have low self-worth, try to remember all the times you felt seriously disrespected or violated in a relationship. What was your response? If you let the behavior slide, you struggle with a low sense of worth.

Low self-worth often goes hand in hand with delusion

Because low self-worth can be such a deep wound, many of us aren’t even aware it’s there.

If it was inflicted in early childhood, it’s impossible to remember a life without it.

At the same time, we can easily delude ourselves into feeling confident and deciding that we know our worth.

You work out, you put effort into your appearance, you have a successful career, or whatever it is that allows you to get external validation.

But none of this changes the core beliefs you hold about yourself.

Do you know how some people who get plastic surgery keep nitpicking their appearance and finding new reasons to get more treatments? That’s low self-worth at play.

Such a strong disconnect between how you present yourself and how you truly feel about yourself leads to cognitive dissonance. In other words, your words don’t match your actions.

You might present yourself as someone with high standards, but behind closed doors, you put up with all sorts of disrespect.

Even when you try to rationalize your actions to yourself to make them fit with the image you’re trying to portray, your body always knows the truth. The self-deception might manifest itself as anxiety, mood swings, or digestive problems.

How to move from low self-worth to self-appreciation

Rebuilding your self-worth takes more than a journaling exercise or meditation session.

(I say rebuild because we are all born with an innate sense of self-worth. Some of us were just unfortunate enough to be separated from it.)

Many people work on it through therapy and understanding how events from their past have severed their connection to their worth.

If therapy isn’t an option, then you might want to start with the basics, like asking yourself how your low self-esteem affects you in your relationships.

Are you conflict-avoidant? Do you abandon yourself to “earn” love and affection? Do you tolerate disrespectful behavior and make excuses so you could stay?

Do you make a habit of settling for breadcrumbs and pretending they’re a whole meal?

Do you get stuck in situationships that aren’t going anywhere even though what you actually want is a relationship?

Simply bringing these patterns to light can help you have better experiences when dating. You can call yourself out when you notice that your low sense of worth has taken control and try to course-correct.

You’ll undoubtedly still have days when you feel like you’re not good enough. What matters is to recognize those days as a passing phase and gently redirect yourself toward more empowering thoughts.

To do so, you can follow along to EFT tapping videos (Brad Yates is my personal favorite) that are a powerful tool for reframing deeply ingrained beliefs.

To appreciate yourself more, you can also put together a list of all the qualities you’re proud of.

Don’t focus only on your professional or personal accomplishments – try to think about the essence of who you are, things that no one can take away from you.

Are you a good friend? A loving partner? Do you have a special talent?

A list of all of the qualities that you’re proud of can remind you of your self-worth. But remember – you don’t need to be anyone special to deserve kindness and respect in a relationship.

Everyone deserves a healthy, loving relationship. And you don’t need to be perfect to find one.

Perhaps your previous experiences have made you forget this simple truth, but it’s nevertheless still there. You just need to give yourself a reminder.