Do You Suffer From Cool Girl Syndrome? Here’s How To Let It Go

If you are a Cool Girl, you are a woman who pretends to be chill even when you are hurt and uncomfortable.

You pretend you don’t care even when you care very deeply.

Much has been written about the Cool Girl syndrome since the internet first exploded with thinkpieces and op-eds when Gone Girl, the movie that brought the concept to the mainstream, first came out in 2014.

At the time, some labeled the notion of the Cool Girl as a stereotype and claimed that this kind of woman doesn’t exist while others turned their attention to celebrities like Mila Kunis and Jennifer Lawrence as examples of real-life cool girls.

Stereotype or not, I’ve seen it in action, both in myself and in other women.

The desire to be seen as “chill” and “unbothered” even when we’re most definitely bothered is strong and nowhere is this more evident than in the world of modern dating.

The good news is that being the Cool Girl is absolutely optional.

You can learn to become more comfortable with setting standards for yourself (and upholding them!) and be your authentic self – regardless of whether you get someone else’s approval or not.

The Origins Of The Cool Girl

Cool Girl has been around for much, much longer than Gone Girl (both the novel and its film adaptation).

But I’d be remiss if I didn’t quote the monologue that went down in history as perfectly encapsulating a concept most women are familiar with but were unable to put into words.

The entire monologue is so memorable that its effect on the audience couldn’t even be dampened by the fact that it was delivered by Amy, a character who was willing to fake her own death to frame her cheating husband for her murder.

In case you need a refresher, here’s an excerpt from the novel:

“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.”

In the film version, Amazing Amy also lists off all ways in which she tried to embody the ideal for her husband, including watching Adam Sandler movies. (Arguably a crime in its own right.) But in the end, it’s not enough.

To anyone who watched the movie or read the book, it’s obvious that Amy is not the hero of the story. And yet her rant spread like wildfire across the internet.

It’s not her need for revenge that so many women resonated with.

It was the eerily accurate manner in which she described how women bend over backward to become the person they think they should be so they’d be worthy of love.

Clearly, abandoning yourself and pretending to be someone else so you’d gain approval is not just a plot device in major film productions.

So how does this behavior show up in intimate relationships and what can you do to snap out of it?

The Cool Girl Syndrome And How It Manifests In Dating

As a former Cool Girl, I believe I have some authority to say that most women who act this way aren’t actually like this 24/7.

We let our guards down around close friends and family, people who accept us unconditionally.

But it’s strangers that cause the Cool Girl to wake up.

The Cool Girl turns strong women into doormats who’ll come up with every excuse in the book to justify being treated poorly.

Nowhere is this more evident than in dating, especially where heterosexual relationships are concerned.

When dating, the Cool Girl is spineless and has no standards. She lets the other person set the tone for the relationship and always goes with the flow, even when she feels deeply uncomfortable.

Her main focus is on earning her date’s approval, so she will cross her boundaries time and time again because enforcing them risks conflict.

She says, “Okay, that’s fine,” even when her entire body is telling her to run.

She won’t ask uncomfortable questions about commitment or long-term plans because somehow that’s become synonymous with “needy”.

And that’s the worst thing you could be when you’re gritting your teeth trying to act oh-so-chill.

Her partners are often emotionally unavailable and unwilling to devote themselves fully to a relationship.

And since she’s so used to getting breadcrumbs of attention, she turns them into three-course meals and loses touch with the reality of the situation, not even realizing she is willingly staying in a toxic situation.

But no amount of pretending can earn a person’s love, so the Cool Girl is sooner or later left disappointed.

There’s no doubt that acting like a different version of yourself is exhausting.

Downplaying yourself, feigning interest in activities you don’t care about, smiling when someone makes a hurtful joke at your expense – it wears you down.

The good news is that you don’t have to live like this.

You don’t have to be “the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain”, as Gillian Flynn put it.

No matter how old you are, it’s never too late to start showing up for yourself and set standards for how you want to be treated.

How To Stop Being The Cool Girl

If you’ve recognized parts of the Cool Girl trope in your own personality, you shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed.

Sadly, most women are socially conditioned to act this way and it takes a fair amount of learning and growing to break the pattern.

The first step is to realize your worth and clear any self-limiting beliefs you have about your value as a person.

Even if you don’t see yourself as someone who has self-esteem issues, I truly encourage you to explore how you feel about yourself.

Do you truly love who you are?

Why do you feel the need to pretend in order to impress someone?

Why do you feel like the real you isn’t enough?

Why is it not safe for you to be authentic?

What are you afraid of?

These are just a few questions you can meditate on or journal about in your diary.

Letting go of your inner Cool Girl also means releasing any underlying people-pleasing tendencies while embodying the fact that you are worthy and have every right to leave when you feel disrespected.

When you truly integrate these beliefs, it’s less likely that you’ll get future-faked or become the target of another manipulative dating strategy because you’ll honor how you truly feel about a situation.

You will make decisions that are in line with your standards.

You will no longer convince yourself you should still date someone who displays numerous red flags because of fear that there’s nothing better out there for you.

You’ll value your happiness and peace of mind more than dysfunctional relationships.

Finally, you’ll let go of the belief that putting up with shady behavior will pay off, and that you’ll be rewarded with your dream partner.

You don’t need to prove your worthiness to anyone, so whenever you’re ready, you can lay Cool Girl down to rest.