What Is The Cool Girl Syndrome? (And How To Let It Go)

If you are a Cool Girl, you are a woman who pretends to be chill even when you are hurt and uncomfortable.

You pretend you don’t care even when you care very deeply.

Women with the Cool Girl syndrome want others to see them as “chill” and “unbothered” even when they most definitely are bothered. Nowhere is this more evident than in the world of modern dating.

The good news is that being the Cool Girl is absolutely optional.

You can learn to set standards and be your authentic self – regardless of whether you get someone else’s approval or not.

The Origins Of The Cool Girl

The Cool Girl concept entered the mainstream when the movie Gone Girl came out in 2014. But this syndrome has been around for much, much longer.

Still, the movie (and the book it was based on) do an incredible job of describing the behavior of women who try to be Cool Girls.

In case you need a refresher, here’s an excerpt from the novel:

“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.”

The film version also lists off all ways in which Amy (the main antagonist) tried to embody the ideal for her husband, including watching Adam Sandler movies. But in the end, it’s not enough.

To anyone who watched the movie or read the book, it’s obvious that Amy is not the hero of the story. And yet her rant spread like wildfire across the internet.

It’s not her need for revenge that so many women resonated with.

It was the way she described how women abandon themselves just to earn a man’s love and affection.

So how does this self-abandoning behavior show up in intimate relationships and what can you do to snap out of it?

The Cool Girl Syndrome And How It Manifests In Dating

As a former Cool Girl, I believe I have some authority to say that most women who act this way aren’t actually like this 24/7.

We let our guards down around close friends and family, people who accept us unconditionally.

But it’s strangers that cause the Cool Girl to wake up.

The Cool Girl turns strong women into doormats who’ll come up with every excuse in the book to justify being treated poorly.

Nowhere is this more evident than in dating.

When dating, the Cool Girl is spineless and has no standards. She lets the other person set the tone for the relationship and always goes with the flow, even when she feels deeply uncomfortable.

Her main focus is on earning her date’s approval, so she will cross her boundaries time and time again because enforcing them risks conflict.

She says, “Okay, that’s fine,” even when her entire body is telling her to run.

She won’t ask uncomfortable questions about commitment or long-term plans because somehow that’s become synonymous with “needy”.

Her partners are often emotionally unavailable and unwilling to devote themselves fully to a relationship.

And since she’s so used to getting breadcrumbs of attention, she turns them into three-course meals and loses touch with the reality of the situation, not even realizing she is willingly staying in a toxic situation.

3 Signs You Are A Cool Girl

Here are three telltale signs that you’re being a little too cool for your own good:

1. You Say “YES” Even When The Answer Is “NO”

One of the biggest signs that you’ve fallen into the Cool Girl trap is when you go along with everything the other person wants, no matter how it makes you feel.

You end up disregarding your own needs and desires just to make the other person happy.

Why do you do this? Because you’re hoping that at some point, they’ll fulfill the fantasy relationship you’ve built up in your head.

A common example is when you’re dating someone, and after a few dates, they tell you they aren’t looking for anything serious.

You feel a knot in your stomach because deep down, you want a serious relationship, and casual dating isn’t your thing.

But because you want to seem like a Cool Girl, you ignore that feeling. You bulldoze over your own needs and say something like, “Oh, that’s fine. I’m cool with whatever.”

Instead of facing the reality that you and this person aren’t compatible, you focus on the potential of what this relationship could be.

This potential isn’t grounded in reality, but you convince yourself that if you just go along with what they want, at some point, they’ll change their mind.

You think that playing the role of the “cool girl” will eventually lead to the serious relationship you want. But, more often than not, that’s not how things work.

In most cases, someone who doesn’t want a relationship will stick to that decision.

And sometimes, when someone says they don’t want a relationship, what they really mean is they don’t want a relationship with you. They just don’t want to say that part out loud because they don’t want to hurt your feelings.

So, it’s important to recognize this and understand that compromising your needs isn’t the way to get what you truly want.

2. You Always Say Yes To Last-Minute Dates

Another sign of Cool Girl behavior is when you’re willing to drop everything at the last minute to spend time with someone.

You might wonder, “If I’m free and someone asks me out at the last minute, why is agreeing to the date a problem?”

In isolation, it might not seem like an issue.

But when this becomes a pattern, it sends a clear message: your time and priorities aren’t as important as the other person’s.

Let’s say it’s a Wednesday evening, and you’re working on an important project.

Suddenly, he calls, and because you’re eager to see him, you abandon your work to go meet up. This is classic Cool Girl behavior. You’re not just going out of your way—you’re neglecting important things in your life just to accommodate him.

In relationships, it’s crucial to demand respect and show that you value your time. One simple way to do this is by saying no to last-minute dates.

If they call you up at the last minute, it’s perfectly fine to respond with, “I’m busy right now, but if you want to plan something in the next few days, let me know.”

That’s respectful to both your time and theirs.

What’s not okay is keeping your schedule wide open for someone, or worse, constantly dropping everything for them. It sends the signal that you don’t have much going on or, even if you do, you’re willing to put it all aside just to be available.

3. You Would Go Over To A Guy’s House To Watch Him Play Video Games

If someone asked you to come over and then played video games the entire time, would you stay and watch?

Or would you get out of there ASAP?

If your answer is “Yes”, you’re a cool girl.

It’s baffling that this even needs to be said, but let me be clear—watching someone play video games is not a date.

Sure, Lana Del Rey wrote an iconic song about it. But in reality, sitting on a couch while he’s completely absorbed in his game and not paying any attention to you is a huge red flag.

If you’re into gaming, then it’s a different story—you’re actively participating in an activity you both enjoy.

But if you’re just sitting there, doing nothing while he’s not even engaging with you, it sends a strong message: he doesn’t need to make any effort to impress you. All he has to do is exist, and you’ll treat him like he’s the most special person in the world. That’s not a healthy dynamic.

When we were kids, maybe we’d watch our siblings play video games out of boredom. But as an adult, you deserve better.

If a guy invites you over just to watch him play, that’s your cue to walk away. Block him, say goodbye, and move on.

You want someone who takes you on actual dates, makes you feel special, and shows that he values your company. You deserve someone who puts in the effort—not someone who’d rather focus on a video game when you’re sitting right next to him.

How To Stop Being The Cool Girl

There’s no doubt that acting like a different version of yourself is exhausting.

Downplaying yourself, feigning interest in activities you don’t care about, smiling when someone makes a hurtful joke at your expense – it wears you down.

The good news is that you don’t have to live like this.

You don’t have to be “the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain”, as the author of Gone Girl put it.

No matter how old you are, it’s never too late to start showing up for yourself and set standards for how you want to be treated.

If you’ve recognized parts of the Cool Girl trope in your own personality, you shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed.

Sadly, most women are socially conditioned to act this way and it takes a fair amount of learning and growing to break the pattern.

The first step is to realize your worth and clear any self-limiting beliefs you have about your value as a person.

Even if you don’t see yourself as someone who has self-esteem issues, I truly encourage you to explore how you feel about yourself.

Do you truly love who you are?

Why do you feel the need to pretend in order to impress someone?

Why do you feel like the real you isn’t enough?

Why is it not safe for you to be authentic?

What are you afraid of?

These are just a few questions you can meditate on or journal about in your diary.

Letting go of your inner Cool Girl also means releasing any underlying people-pleasing tendencies while embodying the fact that you are worthy and have every right to leave when you feel disrespected.

When you truly integrate these beliefs, it’s less likely that you’ll get future-faked or become the target of another manipulative dating strategy because you’ll honor how you truly feel about a situation.

You will make decisions that are in line with your standards.

You will no longer convince yourself you should still date someone who displays numerous red flags because of fear that there’s nothing better out there for you.

You’ll value your happiness and peace of mind more than dysfunctional relationships.

Finally, you’ll let go of the belief that putting up with shady behavior will pay off, and that you’ll be rewarded with your dream partner.

You don’t need to prove your worthiness to anyone, so whenever you’re ready, you can lay Cool Girl down to rest.