Closure Is A Myth – You Can Absolutely Move On Without It

In my early twenties, I fully subscribed to the myth of closure.

At the time, the idea that one final conversation with the person who hurt me could make all the pain go away made perfect sense.

You get hurt, then you get closure, and then you move on. The end!

However, grieving the ending of a platonic or romantic relationship has always been more complex than that.

Our brains are not programmed to automatically get rid of all memories and emotions tied to a specific person when we get “closure” – that’s not how mourning relationships works. And yet, so many of us get fixated on this concept as if it holds the key to our recovery.

I believe that closure is a myth we use as a temporary coping mechanism. It gives us hope that there’s a way to make the hurt disappear quickly and many people hold on to it, even if it means re-entering toxic situations.

In fact, many people use closure as an excuse to continue to interact with people they should have cut off a long time ago.

So, what should you do instead? Read on to find out.

Closure Is A Myth

Mourning a relationship often feels like you’re on a rollercoaster ride from hell. One day you feel like you’ve fully moved on with your life only to wake up the next day feeling like a mess.

Songs, places, even smelling a stranger’s perfume on the street that reminds you of your ex can trigger an avalanche of once-happy memories that are now only painful and filled with resentment.

When you’re in such a sensitive state, getting closure sounds like a magical cure.

“If we could just talk one last time and get everything out in the open, I know I’d feel better,” you might think.

But this is not how grieving a relationship works. The other person (whether it’s an ex, a former friend, or a family member) can spend all day explaining why they did what they did, and it will still make little difference.

That’s because closure is a myth. The only person who can give you closure is yourself and this happens through acceptance.

But accepting painful situations in life is not a quick fix. It’s a lengthy process that can sometimes take years.

As we get older, we (hopefully) get better at accepting the past and moving on. And a key aspect of acceptance is understanding that we won’t always get clarity on why a relationship ended the way it did.

What’s more, it’s essential to understand that how others treat us is not an indication of our worth but rather a reflection of their own values.

How To Get Closure When There Is None

When a relationship ends in a confusing way, it can be even harder to move on than when you know the cause of the breakup.

Old limiting beliefs about your self-worth might arise, alongside a nagging voice in your head that has you wondering whether you’re good enough to deserve love or friendship.

In the absence of a concrete answer as to why the relationship broke down, many people start thinking something is wrong with them: “If only I was smarter/better-looking/had a better career, then things would’ve turned out differently.”

These feelings are normal but remember that they are not facts – we just tend to beat ourselves up when we’re down.

In addition, you shouldn’t fixate on how to find closure, believing this will help you move on since it usually leads to more hurt, especially if the other person isn’t as invested as you.

So what can you do?

First of all, you should let go of the belief that closure can heal you. You’re the one with the power over your own healing and you shouldn’t hand it off to someone else.

Then, allow yourself to feel the difficult emotions – ignoring them with unhealthy coping mechanisms won’t make them go away and might, in fact, make them worse. (I say this from experience!)

Go through the grieving process, cry, journal, talk to your friends, whatever helps you release the hurt in a healthy way. But as time goes on, try not to dwell on the past but ground yourself in the present moment and focus on the future.

Turning The Heartbreak Into A Lesson

Sometimes after a relationship ends, all you’re left with is confusion and questions no one can answer.

Why did this have to happen? Could I have done anything to prevent this? Does this mean the entire relationship was a lie?

Once the anger subsides, disappointment sets in, especially if the breakup was abrupt.

This is when most people start considering reaching out to the other person for closure, even if they know on a subconscious level they will never get the answers they so desperately desire.

Instead of further delaying your healing by reopening old wounds, it’s better to turn inward and analyze what this situation has taught you.

Has it exposed some glaring gaps in your boundaries?

Do you have self-abandoning tendencies that push you to stay in relationships that aren’t good for you?

Were you ignoring red flags in the hopes that one day the other person would magically change?

Now is the time to dig deep and unearth these patterns that control your life so that next time around, you don’t find yourself in a similar situation.

Closure does not hold the key to moving on. Acceptance does.

Recovering from lost friendships and relationships is even harder when the end was sudden and seemingly without a logical conclusion.

When you’re unsure about what the other person’s motivations were, it leaves a plethora of nagging questions in your mind that have you questioning your value as a person.

But the key to leaving the past behind you (where it belongs) is not in chasing down exes or former friends to have one last one-on-one conversation.

This will only set you up for disappointment when you realize that mourning a relationship is a much longer and less linear process. And when closure means reaching out to people who are toxic, then you’re actively hurting your wellbeing.

While less glamorous, acceptance of the past as it is, with all its flaws and loose ends, is the only thing that will help you overcome your pain in the long term. It’s not an easy remedy and on some days acceptance comes easier than others, but you can absolutely do it.

Disclaimer: This article is not intended to be a replacement for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment by qualified medical professionals. Always seek the advice of your doctor, therapist, or other healthcare providers with any questions you may have.